“Pam?” Eric asked tentatively, receiving only an indecipherable look in reply, he dared to ask, “Can I kiss Sucky now?”
Jason instantly wanted to protest, but was silenced by a single manicured finger, “What the hell, fine,” she replied. “Eric, you may now kiss your bride.”
It turned out the third time was the charm, pressing his lips chastely against hers, the steps of city hall solving their usual height discrepancy. They did nothing more than grin wide upon connecting, a funny feeling overtaking their stomachs when they detached, not quite sure where one was supposed to progress from that point on. It had felt nice, the soft feel of lips bouncing from one against the other, but it didn’t quite look like the couple in front them had gone before the judge. Eric moved in for a second try, but was quickly stopped by Jason, and this time Pam didn’t stop him, earning them a twin set of scowls from the newlyweds.
“So, what now?” Pam asked, breathing out as if she was genuinely tired. The night had been alarming and exhausting after all, finding their two charges gone and only leaving a difficult to decipher note about going on an adventure with Dora and Boots to help them and the planner. Realisation dawning on them only later that one of them had spoken to the wedding planner who was fired seconds later as she foolishly explained about the appointment she had set up for Jason and Pam to get their wedding license at city hall, not realising that their second upcoming wedding was technically a renewal of their vows. How her Maker and Sucky had managed to get themselves married instead was a mystery yet to be solved, but it was too late undo now. She’d call the demon lawyer, surely he’d have this overturned soon enough and with any luck the two amnesiacs would never know they were married. After, Pam would have a little chat with that excuse for a witch to make sure of just that. She assured herself things were going to be just fine. A thing that was only reinforced as her eyes settled on something familiar in the distance across the wide avenue, a flagship store beckoned, her Maker’s credit cards practically burning in her pocket with the prospect. Yes, Chanel would make this all right again.
Jason’s eyes followed hers, settling on a storefront two buildings over, the same sense of relief washing over him in that moment, and they regarded each other in understanding with a shared smile, their next destination determined, and the answer to what now shone like a beacon. Jason happily cried out, “Pizza!” only to receive an annoyed hiss in return. An apologetic face was offered to Pam automatically, except her gaze was still focused on the possibilities of high end designer goods that were hers for the taking, forcing Jason to seek out the source of the sound elsewhere, finding it by his feet in among a set of discarded pyjamas, only just managing to pull kitty Eric from mounting Jason’s suddenly furry sister.
“Pam,” Jason said warily, calling her attention to the cat in his hands.
“Oh, fuck a zombie!”
“Knowing you,” Jason accused, loosening his hold on the squirming feline, “you probably did!”
Who knew Chanel sold pet carriers? Well, Pam did, and she was utterly delighted to finally have a reason for buying some. Not that she needed a reason before, but it helped. Jason’s insistence that they buy two separate ones was, in her opinion, a stroke of genius and surely her maker would appreciate the designer baby socks now surrounding all his paws and surely Sookie would appreciate the pink ones. Also, the burst of retail therapy quickly reconciled their argument over Pam fucking something she was pretty sure was a zombie once. Not that she’d enjoyed it or anything, the blood tasted very off, nothing like Jason in the least. Or so she said.
Pam wrinkled her nose before Jason could eye the second pizza of the night, demonstratively getting up and clicking her heels out of the pizza shop, there was only so much she was willing to indulge for that loveable fool of hers after all. With a grumble Jason followed, muttering about the loss of pizza especially since he’d fed both cats a few scraps of his pizza.
“Did you rinse?” Pam demanded while holding open the door of the hailed cab. Dutifully Jason nodded, breathing into his hand for added assurance that his breath was minty fresh, Pam’s tongue devouring him seconds later. Hazily, she tucked him into the cab, “Look after the pussies, will you? I have a witch to track down.”
“Sure,” he grinned back, planting another kiss on her just because. As soon as the door closed, he gave the cab driver the address and sank into the embrace of the back seat with a contented sigh, petting the top of cat Sookie’s carrier and mumbling about what a wonderful wife Pam was, only to be squashed into the plastic divider, face first, seconds later, a fuming Pam standing in front of the cab with eyes that could scorch him alive.
“Don’t. Ever. Think. About. Losing. My. Maker!” she warned, wrapping Jason’s arms demonstratively around cat Eric’s carrier that he’d left behind in the pizza shop. With a gulp, he nodded. “This is turning you on again, isn’t it?”
“Kinda,” he smiled back sheepishly.
A small smirk appeared on the otherwise expressionless woman, with a purr she promised, “Later.”
“None of that, you hear!” Jason warned in his specially donned camouflage outfit, wielding two Super Soakers that were permanently aimed at the horny cat that was seeking any opportunity to jump his sister. The horny bastard! Without supernatural strength and Jason’s impeccable aim, the cat didn’t stand a chance and the socks were helping little in the agility department, causing it to resemble a starfish rather than a feline as it continually collapsed to the floor. All Jason could do was chuckle with giddy delight, the cat hissing back at him venomously as another plan was thwarted. To annoy the cat even further, Jason picked up the cat with pink socks and rested it on his chest, stroking it lovingly while its head nuzzled against his scraggly beard. “Mine,” Jason joked while biting bluntly on its neck, only angering the stumbling cat on the floor even further that was furiously pulling at its oppressive socks with little success. Jason hissed back, warning, “Hush, now! Daddy wants to watch some football!”
Eyes narrowed on the taunting human above, Jason happily ignored it in his quest for finding the remote, dropping the cat on his chest onto the sofa moments later when he finally spotted it elsewhere in the room. “Jesus, Fuck! You little asshole!” he cried out when his bare foot stepped in something brown and still very much warm. Proceeding to hop on one leg through the room, he tried to chase the shit laying bugger who was finally getting to grips with its paw covered socks, sliding smoothly under a piece of furniture well out of Jason’s reach. “I’m gonna get you, you little fucker!”
“The things I do for you, Sis,” Jason complained after washing his foot multiple times in that handy bidet of Pam’s, using every bit of soap he could find. The floor was now being treated to the same level of scrutiny. Jason was already forced to take his daily dump in the admittedly luxurious outhouse she’d built for him at the bottom of the garden after the first whiff of his human needs on their wedding night, and surely the scent of cat feces would have him spending the night there.
“What are you doing?” Pam demanded when she found him scrubbing away on all fours. Slowly Jason’s eyes travelled up the set of impossibly high leather heels, the silk stockings that lead his eyes to linger over the black laced lingerie with a price tag that surely would pain her Maker when he was back to his normal self far more than the zipper burdening Jason at that very moment, finally managing to make eye contact with the blonde woman towering above him. Lacking an adequate response, blood rushing anywhere but to his already rather empty brain, he merely nodded dumbly. Pam grinned, posing innocently, “Cat got your tongue?” Her finger beckoned him up, leading him to their bedroom on an imaginary leash. The cat on the sofa merely looked on with amusement before curling its head back to resume sleeping. Tentatively, the other cat stealthily made its way out from its hiding place, prancing demonstratively for the object of its affection up on the sofa beckoning the other down playfully, and taking him completely by surprise when it jumped regally, only to chase the other cat quickly around the house in a cacophony of hisses and snarls.
“Sucky, what are you doing?” Eric asked in a state of confusion, wondering exactly how they’d ended up back in their shared bedroom when the last thing he could remember was kissing Sucky on the steps of City Hall.
“Shh!” she hissed. “It feels too good, Eric.”
He looked at his hands, his fingers partially covered by very small stretched out socks while Sookie continued to grunt and pant above him, writhing over his bare back like an animal in heat. It was both very strange and making the parts between his legs act up again, pushing into his stomach, which wasn’t feeling all that great either. “Sucky, please-”
“I told you to be quiet!” she cried out in annoyance, her sock covered hand effectively silencing him, bar the few muffled words that failed to deliver his displeasure with the situation he found himself in. She continued to rub herself against him till finally she cried out, “Unh… unh… YES!”
“Sorry,” she whispered into his ear, slumping her entire body over his with the happy breathe of release. Her hand tousled the hairs in the small of his neck, “It just felt really, really, really, nice, Eric.”
“Can I try?” he requested while trying to focus his thoughts on baseball like Jason had taught him to little avail, the whole concept of what exactly baseball was still eluding him.
She giggled in her euphoria, “Silly boy, you’re far too big! You’d squash me!”
“I’ll be careful, I promise,” he pleaded, he really wanted her off his body now and his body in her place. The discomfort only seemed to be growing worse.
“I don’t know…”
“Please, it’s only fair. Gran always said we each get a turn.”
“True,” Sookie acknowledged, rolling off his back, coming to lie next to him on the floor in the same position, flicking off the socks from her hands into the room, “Promise not to hurt me?”
“Promise,” he avowed when he turned to face her. “Uhm, how did you do it?”
“I… I don’t really know,” she confessed. “I was just on your butt-” a giggle interrupted her, momentarily stuck on the word butt. Coming onto her knees to demonstrate, she tried to explain to Eric’s eager eyes that were stuck on her naked breasts rather than her moving pelvis, “I just sort of did this.”
“Like this?” he tried, moving behind her as she sank back down on the floor, his erection travelling back and forth over the crease of her ass.
“It feels funny!” she giggled. “Did it feel funny to you?”
“Kinda,” he laughed with her. “You’re right this does feel really, really, really nice.”
“Told ya,” she sighed out contentedly, resting her head on her forearms, enjoying the weird ritual for what it was. “OH!”
“I’m so sorry!” Eric cried out immediately when he suddenly found his erection engulfed in her warmth. Her small hand landed firmly on his ass, stopping his automatic pull from the sudden intrusion.
“This,” Sookie whimpered, “feels even better.” He moved back in under her insisting hand, the two groaning out with the sudden sensation.
“Argh!” Eric cried out, two squirts of cool water suddenly drowning out his vision.
“I told you I heard somethin’!” Jason interrupted angrily, wielding his Super Soakers menacingly. “You motherfucker, get out of my sister!”
Sookie whined with the sudden loss and the rather harsh jerk exerted on her body as Jason pulled her away, wrapping her up in the bed cover. “You okay, Sis?”
“He wasn’t hurting me,” she whimpered. “He promised he wouldn’t squash me.”
“Well, he squashed you all right!” Jason returned angrily.
“They were just fucking,” Pam complained. “Really, what’s the harm?”
“The harm?!” he retorted. “There will be no fucking under my roof if I have anything to say about it.”
“Really?” Pam challenged. “Exactly what were we in the middle of?”
“Well, we can,” Jason clarified. “Obviously.” Turning to Eric, he scolded, “You’re gonna wanna cover that up before I chop it off.”
Confused, but very much understanding the threat, he looked at the erection Jason was pointing at and upon finding nothing to cover himself with, pulled off one of the socks from his hand and covered the tip. “Like that?” he giggled, the site of the tiny little cotton ‘hat’ delighting him momentarily. Even the pink colour was complimentary.
“Not like that!” Jason reprimanded. “Wait, why are you wearing Sookie’s socks?”
“They were on me when we got back,” Eric shrugged. “Look, Sookie still has hers.”
Jason stared at his sister’s black socks, the ones kitty ‘Eric’ was wearing, till the pieces finally fell into place. “You hussy! And you!” he pointed at Eric accusingly, “nuzzling up to me like some bitch in heat!”
“I don’t understand,” Sookie whispered, Eric looking equally confused while Pam fell into hysterics.
“Who knew my sister could be such a horndog when you give her a dick and a set of balls?” he consoled Eric, stepping away from his sister, focusing his attention on the amnesiac vampire instead and his rather blue set of balls. Gently he offered, “You’re probably gonna wanna do that thing with your hand this time, like I told ya. Can’t believe you, Sis, working him up like that!”
“I’m really sorry, Eric.”
“It’s okay, Sucky. Jason, my tummy really hurts.”
“That’s not supposed to happen. Pam, check him over!”
Pam could barely contain her snort, but indulged Jason, snapping a quick picture of Eric’s decorated penis, surely Chanel would appreciate that, while placing her ear against his stomach, eyes going wide with the sound she heard through his abdomen. “Oh, my Satan!”
“What?” Jason and Eric demanded as Pam devolved to hysterics again.
“I’ll tell you-” she dry heaved, “later.”
“Right,” Jason nodded, directing Eric towards the bathroom, he soothed, “Let’s take care of this first. Okay, buddy?”
“I wanna see!” Sookie exclaimed, feeling terribly left out.
“No!” her brother barked.
“Well, why not?” she whined, stomping her feet for added effect.
“Because, because… It’s not ladylike!”
“Ladylike!” Pam cried out, howling with laughter much to Jason’s disapproval. No man wanted to have his masculinity questioned, especially when an ineffective witch had been switching his gender for him along with his species.
“You know,” Sookie started hotly, “I think you’re just saying that! Like how I couldn’t I have the last bit of milk, but you could. What does that have to do with being a lady?”
Jason spluttered, failing to come up with an adequate response as Pam eagerly awaited his retort. Meanwhile, Eric saw no issue with Sookie’s participation, backing her up, “Yeah! Sookie can watch!” Much to his delight Sookie smiled beautifully, and remembering Jason’s instructions, he spat into his hand and took his cock in hand and gave it a tentative stroke much to Sookie’s amazement. “AND she should have all the milk!”
“Stop that! Stop that right now!” Jason protested. “Sookie’s not having any milk! Certainly none of yours!”
“Can I try?” Sookie asked eagerly, the two ignoring Jason happily.
“No!” Jason cried out while Eric was happily inviting her to try. Angrily turning to Eric, he commanded, “Bathroom, NOW! Sis, get your horny ass out of here!” With a sulk, Sookie complied and Eric moved his actions to the bathroom, looking very much deflated. “Pam, help him out, will ya?”
“Well, it’s not like I haven’t done it before,” she shrugged.
“Fuck! Take care of Sookie then.”
“My pleasure,” she purred. “Look at my baby girl, all grown up! Come on, Sookie, we’ll fit you with your very own strap-on.”
“Pam!” Jason barked.
She batted her eyelashes, mesmerising him momentarily, and softly she cooed, “I was just kidding.”
“Right,” he replied, loosening the collar of his shirt, lowering his voice, “You don’t really own one of those, do you?”
“Jason Stackhouse-de Beaufort,” she tittered. “Do you want me to own one ‘of those’?”
“No!” he denied hotly. “Well, maybe.”
“Noted,” she grinned. “Come on, poppet.”
A roar rang through the entire house, vaguely resembling Pam’s name.
“What’s going on?” Sookie asked, worried and confused.
“Wait here,” Pam replied shortly, zipping off to find her maker holding Jason by the throat against a tile wall.
“Explain,” he grit out, “Why the fuck your husband was jerking me off!”
“Put him down!” Pam snarled, setting her claws into her Maker’s shoulders as she watched Jason gasp desperately for air. Reluctantly, he obliged, Pam instantly moving beside Jason, offering him a glass of water and tenderly running her hands through his hair.
“I want a fucking explanation!” Eric replied tersely.
“You’ll get it,” Pam growled back, “when I give a fuck!”
“Eric?” Sookie whispered, peeking into the bathroom, slapping her hand over her eyes immediately when she saw he was naked.
“Pam, explain!” he demanded once more, wrapping a towel around his waist.
“You two had amnesia,” Niall answered, popping in with Dr. Ludwig by his side.
“Amelia?” Sookie questioned knowingly.
“The very one,” the tiny doctor affirmed. “You know that girl shouldn’t be allowed near magic. Let me look you over, Toots.”
“I can wait,” Sookie replied with a sigh. “Make sure Jason’s okay first.”
“Sookie, I-” Eric tried to apologise when he saw the pain in her eyes over the harm her brother had suffered under another vampire’s hands.
“Just stay away,” she replied, surprisingly calm. “Really, really, far away.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered while exiting the room, not sure whether she had heard him or not as she sped to her brother’s side.
“Eric, you really should stay here for now,” Pam advised when he looked ready to fly out of her home, having found his clothes in the adjoining bedroom.
“Why the FUCK should I do that, Pam? You heard Sookie-”
“Eric, trust me,” she spoke soothingly. “You’ll want Dr. L to examine you. Your stomach-”
“I’m a fucking vampire, my stomach hurts after some witch fucked up on epic scale! I’ll be fucking FINE!”
“Eric, you’re not leaving till Ludwig says you’re fine,” she warned in a tone that made him take notice. When the fuck did Pam become motherly?
His eyes narrowed, knowing the look she sported now could only spell trouble, “What aren’t you telling me?”
“Eric,” she gulped, not quite sure where to direct her gaze. “You’re pregnant.”
A/N: Cookies for anyone who saw that happening! Will it be kittens or weird fanged fairy hybrids with a penchant for cream? I’m still yet to decide so feel free to chime in below!
Thanks to msbuffy as always!
Much thanks to msbuffy as always!