“Whatcha reading?” she demanded with a tap of her feet, hair dripping wet around her face. Disappointingly to Eric, she was dressed in the dowdiest set of pyjamas, but little could contain his joy with his unexpected find, not like the protagonist in the pages before him, in her crotchless panties and garters.
“You’ve been writing a porno,” he said, holding up the evidence. “You dirty girl, and you certainly are a fan of the Fang! ‘Oh bite me, Rick!”
“I have not!” she screeched, turning red instantly. “Give me that!”
“No!” he laughed while keeping it firmly out of her reach in her attempt to get her hands on it, using his height and ability to hover to his advantage. He put on a falsetto tone, “’He shoved his pointy rod,’ Really, Sookie? Pointy? ‘into her aching pussy.’ Quite the smut muffin, aren’t you? Bet you can’t say those words aloud without turning the colour of a beet, but you sure can write them.”
“I did not write that!” she cried out while he continued to ignore her.
“’The ancient tattoos weren’t just around his neck, but covered his entire body, including his giant cock. Flanele bit his-‘” A rather unmanly screech escaped him along with his hold of the journal. “Who bites a penis?” he stammered, making Sookie wonder if he was genuinely traumatised. Quick to pick up the fallen item she hurriedly started scanning the text.
“Oh my God! This about Gran and Godric!” she shrieked. “Gran wrote a porno?”
“Starring my Maker,” Eric spat in disgust. “Leave it to the humans to make sex this depressing.”
Engrossed in the text, she momentarily forgot the vampire in the room. Her face contorted, a perfect mirror image of his, and remembering the fellow sufferer of this knowledge, she shared, “Oh my God, his… his thingy seems to be growing an inch by each chapter!”
“It’s called an erection, you idiot!” he growled, grasping the journal from her.
“I know what an erection is, asshole!” she yelled, trying to retrieve it once again, straddling his lap in the process. “Look, nine inches, then ten, what the hell would you do with twelve? And she can’t even get two hands around it? Oh, my God, this is so gross!”
“Give it back!” he growled, pulling hard while she continued to resist. “This should never see the light of day again!”
“No! You big bully!” she yelled back, the two engaging in a tug of war in the process, neither one willing to relent till Sookie suddenly found herself bruising her ass with half of the journal in her hands, Eric holding the remnant while pages floated through the air. Their faces met in shock over what they had done, only hearing the interrupting cough in the room on the second try. “What are you two doing?”
“It’s his fault!” Sookie exclaimed, pointing a childishly accusing finger while Eric mimicked the exact same action and accusation.
Godric shook his head, desperately trying to mask his amusement over the pair in question. Dryly he informed, “Pamela and Jason are setting to depart on their honeymoon, and I believe it is customary for the family to wave goodbye.” Sookie nodded, somehow confused as to when she had been designated the wedding expert in the room. “After,” Godric stressed, indicating the torn and tattered pieces of paper all over the floor, “the two of you will fix this mess, and put Adele’s manuscript to rights.” A collective scowl was exchanged at the prospect of having to work on something in tandem, however, Godric’s menacing glare overruled both, forcing them to nod submissively, though still firmly blaming the other for the terrible predicament. “I will see you both downstairs?”
“Yes,” they grumbled before he closed the door on them.
“Owie,” Sookie complained while attempting to stand up. “I think I broke my ass.”
“Your ass looks fine,” he grinned while helping her to her feet, taking a rather extended look that confirmed it as such, forgetting his animosity towards her momentarily. “I mean, it looks awful, like shit.”
“You’re a very unusual vampire,” she noted.
“And you’re the strangest faery I’ve ever come across!”
“Hey!” she cried out, “No need to be nasty!”
“Trust me,” he chuckled, holding her closely to his body causing her to squirm within his grasp, the words delivered huskily to her ear with a vibrating tone. “When I’m being nasty, it’ll be nothing like this.”
She shoved her hands firmly against his chest, distancing them both, “That’s not going to work on me anymore!” she stammered out. “Stop it!”
“What?” he goaded, “It was perfectly fine when you believed I was gay?”
“I thought it was a game,” she whispered shyly, muting him in the process, neither one willing to concede whether it really was a game, the ramifications, well… not something either one wanted to consider all that thoroughly in light of what it might in fact suggest.
“Whatever, let’s just go!” Sookie huffed and uncharacteristically, he followed her out of the room, with nary a teasing word or comment. Awkwardly they stood side by side in the large gathered crowd, waving off the happy couple to a warm paradise. Desperate to get out of the cold, Sookie was quick to return indoors, stopping him when he appeared beside her to linger by the elevator.
“Don’t, okay?” she pleaded. “I’ll just fix Gran’s thingy in the morning.”
“The porno?” he replied rather loudly, turning heads, while her face reddened at the stares, “That thing can’t ever be fixed.”
“Shut up!” she huffed, becoming angry all over again at the sudden onslaught of thoughts from the surrounding crowd who were now assuming she had starred in a porno, the particular sicko with a Granny Panty fetish and rather visual projection only making matters worse. “You know what I mean!”
“Let me walk you to your room.”
“I’d rather you didn’t,” she replied suspiciously.
“You know,” he started in a mocking tone, “I do own a publishing house or two.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Let me walk you to your room,” he insisted, becoming rather impressed by her steely resolve that only dared him to test her further. “Or I just might be tempted to publish that piece of filth.”
“You wouldn’t!” she gasped, receiving a cocked brow in response that begged to differ. “Oh my God, you totally would!”
“Can even put it out under your name if you’d like,” he winked, before becoming the victim of one particularly hard swat to the chest.
“You’re such an ass!” Sookie cried out, despite knowing he wasn’t serious this time, her small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth attempting its best to stay hidden.
“At least mine isn’t broken,” he grinned while pulling her along to the elevator, which she reluctantly allowed. “Besides, from all I’ve heard you’ll be the only one using that room tonight.”
Her eyes narrowed, the smoke almost visible with the scorch accompanying it, “Here I thought you’d stop being an ass for one second!”
“I can stop being an ass for a minute or two,” he offered with a smug smile.
She twisted her face in disbelief, “Oh yeah? Prove it!”
Never one to back down from a challenge, he moved with preternatural speed, returning with a white rose between his teeth and a waggle of his brows, releasing it seconds later and waving it like a little flag before handing it to her, “No more games, okay?”
“No more games,” she agreed while stepping back into the elevator that had finally arrived, holding the flower before her with a new appreciation for the vampire, “Good night, Eric.”
“Goodnight, Ms. Stackhouse,” he smiled back, waiting for the doors to close. The moment, however, lasted longer, with awkwardness setting in when the doors didn’t appear to close. “You’re supposed to press the button!”
“Oh shit!” she gasped before frantically pressing her floor number.
“Use the key card,” he said, shaking his head when it appeared she was about to launch an annoyed electrical charge against it, although his words managed to reach Sookie despite her fluster, and she successfully managed to press the necessary button with a reddened face. The doors finally closed while his laughter resounded in the small vacuum of the elevator.
“Ass,” she hummed with a small smile, her fingers lightly tracing the petals before taking an extended sniff from the heady bud.
Sookie groaned at the sound interrupting her precious sleep. She’d only just managed to doze off after finishing up the terrifying task of pasting her Gran’s words back together, avoiding as many instances of actually reading the adventures of Rick and Flanele as possible.
“What?” she mumbled groggily.
“Ms. Stackhouse, I’m sorry to call so late,” a vaguely recognisable voice stammered out. “But we seem to have a problem with your brother and his wife. He put you down as his emergency contact.”
“Of course he did,” she said with a roll of her eyes, gathering her clothes and wondering if she still had enough money on the emergency credit card to bail out two people. “What are they up to now?”
“Well,” he said, pausing with a rather noisy breathe, “We think she ate him.”
“What?” she shrieked. “What do you mean think?”
A small cough preceded his next sentence, “She’sgoneferalandnoonedarestogonearthehouse.”
“Please come?” he whimpered. “We’re scared she’ll eat us next.”
“Did you call her Maker?” she asked with urgency.
“Yes,” he stammered. “Mr. Northman said to just let nature take its course.”
“That asshole!” she cried out, “Tell him I’m on my way. Make sure he comes!”
“He told us not to call again,” he breathed out, “We’re really worried, the sun is about to come up and she won’t let us inside.”
“Give me his number,” Sookie demanded along with the location of the honeymooners’ slice of paradise, frantically punching in the numbers on the hotel phone as she received them.
“I told you not to call again,” Eric growled in annoyance.
“This is a courtesy call,” she voiced in a form of a greeting. “I’m coming over.”
“Sookie?” he replied in confusion just as she materialised in front of him, only to be startled for a second time in a row when he became the recipient of a rather hard slap to the face. “What the-”
“Let nature take its course?” she cried out. “How dare you!”
“Calm down,” he snarled with a hiss, his hand soothing the inflamed flesh she’d just assaulted, not bothering to wonder how she’d managed to teleport into his well-guarded safe room, because, well, tits. Pyjama tits to be exact. “Those humans have no concept of what a good fucking looks like.”
“That did not sound like good fu-, sex! That sounded like imminent death!” she screeched in her continued panic. “Why the fuck am I even arguing with you? You’re coming along, NOW.”
He didn’t even have the time to protest, gaze still occupied by cleavage, and her hands already on him before the odd sensation took over his body. He would have made some sort of comment about the odd tingles and their close proximity were it not for the fact that they were both suddenly splashing around in the middle of the ocean, no land in sight, and his heavy body dragging her down while the sun shone brightly above.
“You faulty faery!” he accused. “You can’t even teleport right!”
“Me? Faulty?” she screeched, pushing him down while she attempted to keep her head above the water. “This is all your fault! I couldn’t get in because you don’t have a stupid invitation! What kind of vampire doesn’t make sure their Maker has an invite?”
“I don’t fucking care!” he roared, dipping them both under the water roughly in his desperation to relieve the damage of the sun.
“Just wait here and I’ll get you one!” Sookie spluttered when she managed to move them both towards the surface again, desperately gulping in air. “You big baby!”
“Don’t you dare leave,” Eric warned, his hands gripping her tightly. She huffed while trying to wiggle free from his hold. “The fucking sun is burning me up, I won’t last.”
“How can you burn in the water?” she complained. “All this vamp hooey makes no sense whatsoever.”
“Shut up or I’ll scrub you down with Lemon Pledge and an iron brush,” he threatened, causing her to gasp. “I may not burn, but I can fucking boil!”
“Well, maybe you deserve to fucking boil!”
“You little bitch!”
“Right back at ya!” she screamed. “Let go of me!”
“Take me somewhere safe!” he demanded.
“Fine!” she fumed. “Hold on, I’ll try for the porch. You handle that deranged daughter of yours, and then I swear to God, I never ever want to see either of you again!”
“Deal! Now hurry the fuck up!”
She didn’t waste any more time, popping them both to the porch of the holiday home successfully, only to be confronted by a snarling Pam. The term ‘feral’ had been a bit of an understatement, and Sookie ran past her while Eric grabbed his Childe attempting to restrain her while she fought his hold, clawing her sharpened nails into the newly formed skin boils painfully. Sookie’s heart pounded as she tried to navigate the home, the faint intermittent consciousness of her brother acting as her only guide. She found him naked in the basement, a puddle of blood staining the bedding, and the wound at his neck neatly healed, but to her horror he bled rather profusely around his crotch.
“Oh, Jason,” she whispered with tears in her eyes, taking a careful look under the sheet that obscured the damage, praying Pam hadn’t ripped off his favourite toy in the world. Jason just wouldn’t be Jason without it. A sigh of relief escaped her, albeit momentarily, as she was quick to revert her attention to the bleeding wound from his femoral artery, straddling his legs in the process while diligently setting to her task of bandaging him.
“Sookie!” Eric screamed down. “Get the fuck out here! Pam’s escaped.”
“Screw her! I’m taking care of my brother!”
“SOOKIE!” he cried out again, genuine worry in his voice. “She’s fucking frolicking in the sun without a care in the world. She’s going to burn up!”
“Hey, Eric!” she taunted, “Why don’t you just go and let nature take its course?”
It sounded like an explosion had just erupted on the porch, things were certainly being destroyed while she continued to ignore his tirade that was mostly a jumble of her name, a few choice profanities, and a few begging noises in between. While leaning over Jason carefully to assess the damage to his body in deep concentration, she never caught the sudden rise in panic from above that grew more urgent as time passed. Jason smiled lazily after she sent a burst of her healing magic through his heart, and with a loopy list he whispered, “Ooh, pretty, pretty, pretty Pam.”
The sudden hand on her ass that accompanied his sign of consciousness was rather disconcerting, and luckily he was too weak to follow through on his next move as she successfully shrugged him off. “Jas,” she tried again, “It’s me, Sookie, are you okay?”
“Soooookay, ‘s okay,” he giggled. “That was the best sex I ever had.”
She sighed out in relief, ignoring the TMI moment, and moving back on her haunches while attempting to cover a body part she never ever wanted to see on her brother again. Sookie was about to get up, only to be suddenly tackled to the floor, a set of gleaming fangs suddenly at her throat, “MINE!”
“Pammy!” Jason grinned. “You sexy beast, get over here!”
“MINE” Pam continued to snarl in warning, her grip tightening while Sookie struggled to breathe.
“Jason! Invite Eric in!”
“Who?” he whispered, his voice falling faint again.
“Eric!” she cried in panic, Pam only seeming to become more aggressive with the apparent interest her mate had in another woman. The promise of an imminent death gleaming in her eager eyes while Sookie tried to fight her off the best she could, “Invite him in!”
Jason remained worryingly silent, forcing Sookie to yell out at him again.
“Eric?” he replied leisurely at the exact moment Pam’s fangs threatened to sink in. A small snore escaped him, terrifying Sookie to the bone that all hope was lost, only to be surprised by the mumble, “Well, what’s he waiting for? He should come in.”
Sookie cried out, fearing fangs had finally penetrated her. Instead she was the recipient of Pam’s eager tongue, lapping at a small scratch, and she squirmed with the strange sensation of the cold and wet muscle against her throat. Luckily it was all the damage she sustained by Pam, her Maker flying in with haste, and wrestling the feral vampire off Sookie despite his weakened state. Pam, however, was the one to cry out in triumph from their brief scuffle when she easily circumvented his hold, protectively placing her between Jason and Sookie, her mind clearly set on killing one or both, her Maker of little concern.
“Command her to stop!” Sookie shrieked out at a weakened Eric.
“You don’t think I fucking tried that?” Eric rasped out. “Whatever the fuck this is, it’s overridden my Maker’s commands.”
“She wants to eat me, Eric,” she whimpered when Pam appeared to move toward her once more, and with little thought she backed her body into his, seeking protection. “Make her stop!”
“MINE!” Pam snarled again, this time the words clearly meant for Eric as her eyes narrowed on her next faery-flavoured treat that happened to be in his grasp.
Eric pulled Sookie into his body tighter, leaving not an inch between them, and with a deafening roar he countered, proclaiming the same word, his own fangs out and pointing dangerously close to Sookie’s throat. “Say it,” he whispered, “she’ll back off.”
Sookie hesitated momentarily, however, Pam’s continual threat made her exclaim the word, ‘His.’, and with that fangs struck.
Pam backed off instantly, deferring to the largest predator in the room while Sookie cried out with the sudden pain as Eric greedily drank, the flavour overwhelming. With a well-aimed kick to the balls, she managed to extract herself from him while he groaned in pain, and running for the bed, she seized Jason and with an audible pop they were gone.
Despite bleeding profusely, she looked over Jason first, assuring he was safe before seeing to her own injuries. She stared at her darkened eyes in the mirror, skin pale from all the blood loss, ignoring the tears, her brother looking only slightly worse for wear. A gentle hand travelled through her brother’s sweat matted hair before she spoke in a whisper, “Never again, Jas. We’re never ever seeing them again.”
A/N: Okay so the honeymoon didn’t exactly work out as planned… but as mentioned before this is my get away from all the complicated angsty stuff tale so rest assured it doesn’t last long… not long at all… still hoped you liked Eric and Sookie’s oceanic adventures despite a feral Pam 🙂
I will also put in a general reminder that I consider this my version of PWP (That’s parody w/o plot, you perverts) so don’t read too much into anything whether a Bill comes or goes, someone gets drained, etc. it’s all in the name of comedy!
Much thanks to my pervert in crime, *ahem* I mean Parody Queen, yeah that’s what I meant, msbuffy for her editing on this.
Now tell me what you think…. I especially like those epically long ‘noooooos’ you guys toss out now and then…