I always knew Pam would die before me. It was something I knew from the moment I turned her, I don’t know how but I did. It had been that same inner voice that told me my maker would leave me to walk this world alone because it was a state I knew far better than most. Pam had forced my hand in turning her and I had complied. I had no interest in a progeny at the time but I also knew I didn’t want this life in front of me to pass. I never cared much for the lives of others, time will do that to a man. It wasn’t out of love, merely companionship and in truth I was tired of being alone. Godric had been the only other soul I had ever been connected to. Apart from our brief reunions to find the source of the werewolves and their master that had slayed my human family, I was alone. I was a sole survivor and despite the circumstances that caused it I had worn it as a badge of honour for too long. I was never weak but I was solitary.
It had never been an issue until I came to know Pam. She filled a part of my life that I never realised had stood empty. Amazingly Sookie had done that to another corner of my heart a century on. The two of them filled me up without measure and I realised I had been lucky in my ignorance. For to be knowingly without it and to be seeking that, I doubt I would have found what I ultimately had. I stand partially empty without her now, it is more than the bond that tied us to each other as maker and child. As formidable as Willa has grown it is incomparable to what I shared with Pam.
Pam’s laziness had taken a back seat after Tara’s death. I didn’t quite know how the two were related but I was assured they were. Her loyalty remained unaltered even if it did discriminate her vision once or twice. It took time to reconcile the two women that had a stake in my heart. At times I thought a wooden version would show me more mercy than what they could collectively inflict upon me. I should regret the day they found common ground and used it against me but I couldn’t. I was too happy that they had connected over something, even if I was at the brunt of it. Jason was of little use in the oestrogen fuelled household we had at the time during the early days of arriving in Sweden. Nor did Pam’s pink painted walls help. We lived in a home where the hens ruled the roost. We were happily emasculated in the process. Frankly it was nice not to carry the sole burden of responsibility.
Pam had done that for me before, she helped settle me down. I was restless before I met her, Sookie says it’s a remnant from my human past. I had spent centuries trying to solve a riddle that did not seem to want to be solved, it fuelled my survival as my mind continued its eternal back and forth of the how and why that characterised my family’s sudden death. Pam gave focus where my attentions lay scattered. I moved along with time but she helped me look towards the next day. It’s how she decided she wanted to be a vampire, Pam looked into her own future and saw nothing but decay there. The irony was not lost on me that she was spelled to experience just that at the hands of the possessed witch. It didn’t beat her down, it just made her mad as hell.
The only thing that ever seemed to get her down was the thought of losing me, she never realised how much room I had in my heart until another came into view. Perhaps this is why I knew she would die before me, she would be unable to go on without me. Her extreme loyalty would force her to die with me even if she did continue to roam the earth and beyond.
Other vampires considered our relationship to be incestuous. Not because our early days were sexual in nature, that was expected between a maker and child. I kept her around for longer than most and she refused to leave my side. It was an unspoken agreement that neither one of us had found the necessity to question. That wasn’t considered natural or healthy among our kind and in cases like Bill and Lorena I would be inclined to agree. However, Pam elevated me to greater heights because I allowed her freedom. We were more like partners than master and slave. Even when she referred to me as such it was always laced with a hint of insolence. I never set out to eradicate who she was, I saw no need for it, I had intended to preserve a worthy human for eternity. She heeled when she needed to, until Sookie entered our lives.
Pam was amused by my fascination at first but her annoyance grew more irritable. I fear it was sending her out to the woods of Bon Temps in a new pair of heels in search of a maenad that finally tipped the scales. My year long search when everyone seemed to think Sookie was a wasted memory only gave cause to infuriate Pam further. Unfortunately we weren’t in a good place post witches. It was the furthest we had ever stood apart from one another.
To me that was the best activity I ever found on this earth but to Pam those two words had long only been spoken with contempt. It drove a wedge that I never should have allowed to fester. Too much was happening all at once and I had yet to sort out the particulars of my personal life amongst the ruins of my role of Sheriff. There simply was no room to reassess my relationship with Pam as the authority breathed down my neck. I had counted on her loyalty to forgive my neglect of her but it only sought to drive us further apart. She demanded my presence when I was unable to give it to her.
I released Pam as Sookie had released me. It was punishing and perhaps I had displaced the cruelty I had felt to Pam. Sookie had offered me the light and took it away just as suddenly. I let her be, because she needed that. Pam needed to let me be, but that was never a part of her makeup so I had to use a rare moment of force with her. She was extremely loyal, you simply couldn’t eradicate that by releasing her to the rest of the world. Emancipating her was a poor choice on my account, but it seemed my only option at the time. Her safety and sanity were paramount as she had just become a maker herself.
Ultimately I needed the same space from Pam as the one Sookie had requested of me, loneliness had returned. Now, however, I knew what it was like not to be. Nora was a poor stand in but she needed me and I felt useful. I needed that sense of purpose to ignore the emptiness that resided inside me. The two corners of my heart were trampled on. Only when I lay in a cave for six months recuperating from the sudden force of the sun did I begin to understand that. As ever Pam stood ready and waiting for me when I opened up to her again.
I never gave up on Sookie but I could only do that because Pam never gave up on me. She brought wisdom in my moments of need, when I had declared defeat and regressed to being a lone survivor again that would meet his end alone. To her we were always two, where I was one with Sookie, Pam simply refused to give up on her other half. Even in our most dire circumstances, an impending death by the hands of a seemingly undefeatable three thousand year old vampire, Pam had refused to submit.
I didn’t want to use Sookie but I did. I thought it would close all doors on the telepath that owned precious real estate in my heart of ever seeing me as anything but the evil monster Bill Compton had painted me to be. I should have trusted in the purity of Sookie’s nature, she always sees beyond what is truly there. Sookie took me into her home when I had not a memory to my person, endangering her life for my own. We revolved around each other in the now, navigating what the world threw at us piece by piece. Pam knew better than us both. Her eyes and thoughts were always directed at what was next.
Pam was born for an immortal existence because she could not care for the past. Never one for regrets. She was completely unimpressed about seeing the sun again, she had not missed a day. She wasn’t frolicking with the rest as if it were a careless day at summer camp while high on Warlow’s protective blood. Nor was she partaking in bloodlust at the killing of a man who took his position of authority over her to reduce her to a common whore once more. Instead she was chasing me and the eternal nights I had once gifted her with.
It’s rewarding to be a good maker. Loyalty can be bought as long as there is coin on the table, Pam’s came at the mere cost of my blood. It was the best transaction I ever made. While I cursed her petulance in our earlier days I never regretted my decision. She would have told you she made the better deal. Pam always seemed to gather what something was worth far better than I ever could. And so we had always made sense by each other’s side.
‘Let me walk the world with you, Mr. Northman, or watch me die.’
She was bored before me. Her signature tone of voice was cultivated from an early age when she was but a mere teacup herself. Pam hated children because she outgrew them when she was one herself. Even then she was far ahead of the curb. She was groomed to be a society lady in Victorian London, instead she broke many hearts where she appeared to be without one. It was a destructive path that led her to the underbelly of society where she ran a brothel in San Francisco. She had no qualms at what she was selling, morals instilled in her never quite having taken hold. Pam was a born entrepreneur, the only person she ever took direction from was me. I fear that was only because I always had the possibility to command her into doing something and she hated wasting time event though we would always be in abundance of it. When she did obey it was done with great resistance. I gave her allowance for it, I never wanted a lap dog, which explains my fondness of Sookie.
I valued inner strength and independence and those were both amply present in the two most important women in my life. Adylinn and Willa had become more like true daughters to Sookie and I, their gentle personae had them acting in accordance. Pam had always been more than that. Godric had been a father, brother and son to me. Pam was like a mother, sister and daughter. Circumstances determined the role rather than the crippling dominance that usually comes with a maker-child tie.
‘We travelled the world together. Killing, fuckin’, and laughing.’
Sometimes it was as if we knew each other better than ourselves. Sookie may be the true telepath but the minds of Pam and I had always existed on the same wave length. We knew each other’s moves and thoughts without speaking. When faced off to kill one another in Vamp Camp we both knew exactly what to do. I had trained her well, in mere moments we had made our point to the cowards that hid behind a two way mirror. We stood as survivors in our supposed battle to the death, while they counted their casualties. Pam always had the rationale and signalled impending danger better than most, where I possessed formidable strength. Together we were an unstoppable team. She would never replace the reverence I held for Godric but she brought me qualities he never possessed.
She never ran from anything or anyone, persistent to stand up and fight. I’d like to take credit for that but I can’t, that was purely her. Pam ran with the wind but was never afraid to face it when required. She was always on my team and recognised seamlessly the allies that we needed by our side. Even if it was the person she detested most.
‘I’m wearing a Walmart sweatsuit for y’all. If that’s not a demonstration of team spirit I don’t know what is.’
She could make me laugh, while I had been amused plenty in my long existence, it had been long since I truly laughed. It reminded me of my human days, when it was me, my comrades in arms and a few rounds of mead. We laughed as only men amongst each other could. Pam was far from butch even if her tastes lay with the feminine but she had returned that levity to me. She hated feminists because all they did was talk about equality, she simply demanded it. Penis or no penis. Then she did always have the fangs as back up.
‘There are two things I try to stay away from. Humans who eat a lot of fish and politics. So whatever comes next, we keep our heads down, our tits up and the blood flowin.’
She managed to avoid the trappings of politics her whole existence. She saw what it had offered me and decided she lacked the diplomatic skill. Like a true merchant simply used my standing instead. Without question what was mine was hers. I never minded, unlike with Godric or Nora we never hid our relation. Different times allowed for that, with the ways I protected my nieces and nephews, the world knew not to mess with what I considered mine.
Despite Pam’s aversion to the teacups she liked all of Jason and Adylinn’s children. She was the one that charted all the birthdays and spent my money buying them gifts. Pam said it was because they didn’t smell as bad as the fully human kind, we all knew she was lying and left her to her delusions. Pam’s cold and heartless demeanour had grown soft. I actually preferred her like that despite my earlier claims to the contrary. She bartered their inherited fairy gifts like the madam she once was for those who were interested in monetising that. Those children had more parents than they could count, Pam was like a lioness with her cubs. Her threats leaving many trembling in fear.
‘It may be 10 minutes from now or 10 years, the moment you think you’re safe, I promise I will hunt you down and fuckin’ shred you like confetti.’
It wasn’t long before everywhere around the world people owed Pam. I had expected her to move away from the place she called my windy shithole, never having been one to enjoy the cold. She always said we needed her here, but I suspected it was more that she needed to be here rather than anywhere else. Lafayette was the only one that ever left us for substantial periods of time. Their relationship had grown tense with the loss of the child that had bound them together initially. They both blamed Pam for that loss even though Tara herself had absolved her from that guilt beyond the grave.
Lafayette had a far better grasp of his medium gift as a vampire than in his human days and Tara had made it known that she had found peace. In return it had salved the torn relationship between maker and remaining child. Much like his cousin, Lafayette’s vampire status had given him the strength to stand and survive the ages where resentment had wasted away at his human existence.
‘This is who you are now. Top of the chain. No human can hurt you any longer. They’re yours to savor.’
It took Lafayette longer than most to accept his new existence. He only became a force to be reckoned with when he finally relocated his ‘fabulousity’. His word not mine. Lafayette was the last person I expected our blood to thrive in but it blossomed inside of him. Pam rarely took credit for it but she lay fully deserving of it.
‘We procreate because we want to, not because some dickhead dipped in afterbirth told us to.’
Pam seemed to be collecting children because loved ones couldn’t let them go. It’s how Tara was born and for Tara, Lafayette was born. She often joked it was payback for forcing me to turn her. Pam seemed careless in the decision to become their maker but she knew exactly what she was taking on, the hurt and neglect she would have to rectify. Like no other she seemed to know exactly what they needed, her façade hinted at little depth where in truth oceans resided. Pam adored the colour pink because it displayed a softness she would otherwise never express but in something as unfeeling as a piece of cloth she could convey more than anyone else. Applying her daily makeup was like putting on war paints, she had more to protect inside than most.
“I never forget a pretty face. You’re in my vault.”
Pam was so much more than the pretty face she presented to be. She had the fragility of a china doll but appeared to be made of impenetrable steel. I will need no vault to archive the woman who walked beside me for millennia, she’ll always be at the forefront of my mind and reside closely in my heart. She was unique and I’ll never find one like her again. Then again I never found her. Pam found me.
If she were still here today she would tell me to dial it back a notch or two. I would most likely be starting to piss her off with my internal musings but a secret part of her would relish in the existence of it. That I cared enough to.
Though I had let her go, she always remained mine. There was a youth to her spirit that refused to relent even in old age, she knew how to draw attention to herself despite the fierce competition in the room. I had sought her out after our chance encounter on the streets of San Francisco but it was her draw that brought me there. It wasn’t merely lust or attraction, she simply took charge. Like no other she knew how to work man or room.
Pam took matters into her own hands. Not like Godric even though the end result was the same. I didn’t dissuade her like I had fervently tried with my maker. She wanted to continue on but knew things would never be the same. Pam never was the type to leave a party last, despite always arriving fashionably late. I think she was the first one to coin that phrase, her laziness never had us arriving anywhere on time. Pam left before anyone else could, so she would not feel the pain of losing all, preferring to inflict the pain on herself than at the hands of another.
She lived far longer than I had ever expected her to. We all lived far longer than any of us had expected. Pam left us in the style of which she was born, always remaining my child, petulance firmly intact. She remained the eternal apple of my eye and it saddened me I would never get to see her shine again.
Pam made the decision for us both, just like she had determined we would walk the world together for eternity. She refused to walk it alone, Pam averted the wound before it was allowed to strike. So I had sat with Sookie by my side as the sun rose and we watched her die. In ultimate defiance to the sun she never missed, Pam flipped it off before she fell to dust.
She did me proud.
I would have expected nothing less.
I was purposefully vague on the decision that led to Pam’s self-inflicted death, you’ll have to wait for next week’s (final) chapter. Although next week’s banner will give an indication.
Pam is one my favourite characters and I think like Jason and Lafayette she has been elevated from the books to epic proportions on the show. I can go on forever but I think I pretty much said it all in the announcement post to this chapter. This was probably the hardest chapter for me to write because her character inspires me like no other, those who have read this story and From Time Immemorial will know how much I enjoy getting in that twisted head of hers but alas it is what it is. At least I know she’ll enjoy where she’s headed…