Thanksgiving Fixin’s 29

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#29

 

“I really liked those pumps,” Pam continued in her state of shock as the fluids continued to drip from between her legs. “And this dress. I loved this dress! I hate you little fuckers!”

 

The crowd of cake testers stared wide-eyed at the female vampire. Pam was already a fascinating sight; had she still been fully human by now she would have toppled over with the weight of her expanded midriff. No one was quite sure what to say when Pam stopped her usual yelling at the movements in her belly and suddenly began to wail uncontrollably over her ruined wardrobe.

 

By now they had learnt that when it came to Pam’s hormone-induced outbursts it was best not to acknowledge them, if one cared for their continued existence that is. Ginger only barely survived her last injuries. However, what exactly to do with the vampire that barely showed an emotion aside from frustration, anger, and boredom kept the room frightfully silent.

 

“Pam, maybe you should sit down,” Sookie said carefully.

 

The vampiress blinked away the bloody tears before regaining her regal composure again. Without acknowledging the rest of those present she lifted a napkin and hastily wiped away any evidence of the outburst. “I’m fine,” she declared stoically. “Nothing to worry about.”

 

“Pam, your water broke,” Sookie pointed out. “I don’t think it’s supposed to be that bloody.”

 

“I’m a vampire. Of course it’s going to be bloody,” she scoffed.

 

“I think we should call Dr. Ludwig, regardless,” Sookie spoke seriously.

 

“Whatever,” Pam shrugged as a small tremor ran through her body. A small frown appeared with the slight tightening, “If this is what labour feels like I don’t know what these human women are whining about. It doesn’t hurt at all.”

 

“Famous last words,” Dr Ludwig grinned with a special hint of malice as she suddenly appeared with the Prince of the Fae by her side.

 

“Niall!” his intended shrieked. “Close your eyes! You’re not supposed to see any of this!”

 

“That only goes for the dress, hookah,” Lafayette informed as he resumed sampling another slice of cake and throwing in an exceptionally loud moan to express his approval of that particular flavour.

 

“Hey, gimme some of that!” Jason demanded jealously to which Lafayette cautiously guarded the coveted piece of cake.

 

“Out!” the little doctor commanded to the squabbling humans, who proceeded to do so while wrestling with the contented plate.  “Let’s get you to the birthing suite,” she instructed to a reluctant Pam who was still upset a special one hadn’t been built just for her and was now forced to reuse Sookie’s.

 

The nurse, Isolde, was already awaiting the small group setting up the room for all possible needs. Unlike Sookie’s delivery, Pam’s was an unchartered one, even for an experienced physician such as Ludwig. On top of that she was carrying the children of the reigning Prince of the Fae, in contrast to her relatively relaxed stance with the human hybrid’s straightforward birth, the doctor was now taking every single precaution.

 

“Here?” Pam asked, gesturing to the examination table, looking unimpressed by the room that had been specially painted pink by orders of Niall. Ludwig was surprisingly mute as she swallowed her usual snark and simply nodded.

 

“How are you feeling?” the doctor inquired as Isolde scribbled down anything of note.

 

“I could drain a bitch,” Pam shrugged. “What am I supposed to be feeling?”

 

“Pain? Pressure? Discomfort?” Isolde suggested but simply got a shake of the head with the extensive list she continued to rattle off after which the nurse proceeded to take a series of measurements.

 

“Did you practice the breathing techniques as I showed you?” the doctor questioned sceptically.

 

“As I told you then, I haven’t breathed for a century. Why should I start now?”

 

Ludwig tried desperately to swallow the grumble from her throat, but failed to do so miserably before exploding in outrage, “Because it’s the best pain management available to you!”

 

“These tremors, they’re the contractions, correct?” Pam pointed out as another was registered on the monitoring device to which the doctor nodded. “It just feels tight. That’s all. Listen poppet, I’ve faced far greater adversaries than a couple of fae mutts shimmying out of my Slip ‘N Slide. I’ll handle this just fine.”

 

“It’s going to be a long night,” Ludwig groaned before delving in between Pam’s splayed-out thighs.

 

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Sensing apathetic distress in his eldest progeny, Eric had immediately sped home to find Sookie and their two children resting on the porch. “Is it happening?” he asked nervously upon greeting her with a kiss. Truthfully he was rather worried over his progeny’s reaction to impending motherhood. Throughout her relatively short Fae pregnancy she had simply carried on with little regard for the change that was occurring in her body aside from bitching about a severe lack of appropriate maternity wear.

 

“Yeah, it’s happening,” Sookie answered as she watched Eric with a warm smile as he greeted his children who instantly caught onto his presence.

 

“How is she coping?” Eric continued to ask as they settled in the large swing seat with a child in each of their laps.

 

“Like Pam,” Sookie said with a stifled giggle. “I don’t think she’s grasped the severity of it all quite yet. She’s more concerned with Lafayette fixing her hair and makeup so she looks good on camera than what’s happening next.”

 

“She’ll know soon enough,” Eric spoke perceptively as he sensed the reluctant attitude of his child slowly morph into slight panic.

 

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“I’m fucking going to kill you, Niall!” Pam screamed across the bathroom as another powerful contraction overtook her. “If not, bring me something else to kill! This bath does nothing! Do you hear me? This does nothing!”

 

“I hear you,” he returned indulgently as he tried desperately to ignore the assault on his sensitised eardrums. “It will all be over soon, Precious,” Niall attempted to soothe as he feared his hand might crumble to parts if the vampiress didn’t release her grip soon.

 

“Oh god!” she shrieked as the pressure continued to build. “Bring me fuckin’ Sookie!”

 

“I’m not allowing you to kill my great-granddaughter,” Niall said sternly as his hand lived to further regret those spoken words.

 

“I’m not going to kill her,” she seethed through clenched teeth. “I fucking need her, okay?”

 

“Okay,” Niall whimpered in relief when she finally released his hand, thankfully still whole.

 

“Nobody fucking comes into this room!” Pam screamed to the shuffling feet at the door after Niall teleported away.

 

“Ms. de Beaufort,” Ludwig tried, wanting a closer look at the progression of her labour.

 

“Fuck you, munchkin!” she screamed as another contraction bared down on her in inexplicable pain. Isolde charted it, noting the regular intervals were shortening, and communicating to Ludwig that they would be needing access to the vampire soon for the birth to occur safely. “Come in here and I will make good on my threat to shove my hand up your ass and use you as a hand warmer!”

 

A soft knock and a whisper of her name soon came after scaring the doctor and her assistant away. Sookie carefully snuck into the bathroom keeping the inquisitive stares of the onlookers out. “What can I do for you, Pam?” Sookie asked kindly finding a completely transformed Pam panting in the tub. Her carefully made up hair sat askew and sweat had wiped away the expertly applied makeup.

 

“You can fucking make this stop!” she seethed out in fury. “Bar that you can help me up.”

 

“Maybe someone else is better equipped for that,” Sookie said carefully, not quite sure why her small frame would be the one to help up the now rather hefty vampire.

 

“No,” Pam snapped. “It has to be you.”

 

“Pam, I really don’t think…”

 

“You’re a fucking telepath are you not?” she demanded to which she meekly nodded. “Good, then you know how to keep that fucking trap shut.”

 

“Pam, I’m not sure I understand,” Sookie spoke, unable to hide the slight tremble of fear that came with the death glare the vampiress was throwing her way.

 

“I need to poop.”

 

“Pam, you don’t…” Sookie started but was too embarrassed to finish that sentence.

 

“Poop?”

 

“Fucking ordinary magic or whatever crap is making this happen, says otherwise,” she snapped holding her arms up expectantly. “I may not have taken a crap in a century but I fucking remember what it feels like! Help me out!”

 

“Pam, I think this is what it’s supposed to feel like when you’re about to give birth,” the telepath suggested while taking a few tentative steps towards the tub, Pam’s nudity no longer much of a shock after having walked in on her and Niall so many times.

 

“Help. Me. Out,” she demanded which left Sookie no room to refuse. Thankfully Pam had enough strength to hold her own weight as she used Sookie too steady herself, but she didn’t make it very far as she crouched mid-air in the tub, paralysed by pain. “Back! Now!” she whimpered wide-eyed.

 

Instantly adhering to her wishes Sookie helped her settle back into the giant bath that was most likely the spaghetti bowl in which Pam was impregnated. “Maybe you should try the breathing exercises again,” she suggested while trying to demonstrate the rhythm Dr Ludwig had shown to her. The resounding growl shut down any further suggestions Sookie might otherwise have had.

 

“Fucking hell! The Magister’s torture was preferable to this,” Pam groaned as blinding pain shot through her entire system again at an even more debilitating sensation than before. The howling yell that accompanied it instantly had Niall by her side again.

 

“Precious,” Niall whispered sweetly as he got in the tub behind her with concern and supported her trembling body. “Please, allow the doctor do her job.”

 

“You’re ruining your good suit!” she shrieked, incensed at the sight of the expensive wool suit in the water.

 

“You’ll buy me another one,” he shrugged. “Don’t pretend otherwise. Now may Ludwig come in and examine you?”

 

“I’m not getting out of the fucking tub,” she complained. “Ever.”

 

“Very well,” the doctor announced as she entered the bathroom wearing a ‘Dora the Explorer’ bathing suit, flippers and snorkelling gear. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

 

Eric came to stand behind Sookie who made space for Isolde and the piles of towels and other items they might need, helping out as best they could in the melee that was becoming Pam’s delivery. The scientific charting of the unusual birth was now lost due to the vampiress’ lack of cooperation over the last several hours.

 

“Get that fucking camera away from me!” Pam screamed when Lafayette toddled in with an excited smile and the professional filming equipment on which Pam had spent thousands. The mere sight of the angry vampire and even angrier-looking vagina he walked in on immediately had him dropping the equipment on the floor and making a hasty retreat from the room praising the Lord that he was gay.

 

“Do I have to do everything my fucking self?” Pam screamed as she scooped up the camera and started filming the doctor between her thighs who disappeared under the water once more. Her little thumb came up signalling for Pam to push, and with all her might, a deafening cry between laboured breaths and several more pushes, finally a sigh of relief escaped along with her firstborn.

 

Ludwig surfaced with the child, shooting out a little spurt of water through the snorkel before she proudly announced it was a healthy little boy. The camera Pam was holding instantly fell from her hands, crashing to the floor for a second time, urging Eric to pick it up and film the sight of a voracious Pam grasping the child from the doctor’s tiny hands and pulling the infant to her bare chest. “Mine!” she growled leaving no doubt about her proclamation as the tiny hand of her child instantly latched onto her breast.

 

“Takes after his father already,” Niall chuckled as his hand came around to trace the spine of his newborn son where little sparks hummed in mutual contentment.

 

“Fuck,” Pam groaned as the contractions continued, their intensity not relenting.

 

“We’re far from done yet,” the doctor taunted before diving below again.

 

“Fucking faeries, you never can quite stop at one, can you?”

 

“You never complained about the multiples I gave you before,” Niall grinned with prowess.

 

“That’s what got me into this fucking mess, asshole!”

 

“You know you love me,” he taunted and before she could refute that unspoken truth another scream tore through the room with the arrival of baby number two. Three soon followed as did baby number four and by this time Pam had completely forgotten to claim otherwise.

 

“Another boy!” Ludwig announced, not giving a moment’s pause anymore and handed the child immediately to his possessive mother who was collecting quite the brood on her ample chest.

 

“What am I going to do with all these penises?” Pam complained to number three. “I’ve been avoiding you all of my existence. Can’t we just snip one of them off? It would be nice if one of them was a girl…”

 

“Pamela,” Eric growled in reprimand which instantly had her bearing fangs with the possible threat to her children.

 

“Eric!” Sookie warned and the fangs soon sheathed back in place.

 

“As soon as we’re done here, we’re trying again!” Niall proclaimed excitedly. “We’re not stopping till we get you a little girl!”

 

“You’ll be fucking doing it alone then!” Pam screamed as another tremor wracked her system. “You’re never touching me again!” Ludwig instantly dove down with the unexpected force assuming the last of the nest had already been born. With only a second to spare the doctor caught the last babe that shot from its mother’s womb with incredible flight.

 

“Let me guess, penis number five?” Pam intoned when Ludwig resurfaced once more.

 

“Guess again.”

 

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A/N: Thanks to the ever expedient msbuffy for fixin’ my mistakes and for assuring me this resembles somewhat of actual childbirth…

 

Pam’s got a giant brood now, I’m still wracking over their names so suggestions on those are welcomed although I fear Pam will just refer to them by their number… So I hope you all enjoyed this surreal birthing experience as much as I enjoyed conjuring up how a reluctant vampire would react and instinctually latch on to newfound motherhood…

 

From Time Immemorial chapter 16 is here.

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49 thoughts on “Thanksgiving Fixin’s 29

    1. Yeah I was feeling particularly cruel for all the spaghetti antics… The only reason I didn’t have Pam squealing “Mini-Pam!” At the end was because it would have rhymed with the last sentence…

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  1. Just so you know, if there’s any poop in there at that stage of labor, you may not even feel it come out, and it will come out. Five babies. Oh my goodness. They will have to hire a few nurses. Looks like Pam will be a doting mother after all, or at least a possessive one. Very nice.

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    1. I didn’t want to know that! LOL I just don’t like the thought of century old poop coming out, that would definitely clear a room… Pam has the mommy instincts as for the rest we’ll have to see…

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Well I am actually accurately aware of all the things that can happen and baby shat (sorry sat…) many babies in my teenage years so I also fully understand the rewards the little bundles of joy bring in the end.

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  2. Easy; Yves, Christian, Gianni, Karl, Valentino & Chanel, Coco. There’s no shortage of names that Pam would like. She could commission each designer to create a line for each child. Oh the shopping to be done. What fun for Pam!

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    1. That would work except the little fuckers would show up every time she gets dressed and you know Pam is barring them from her precious closets till they’re fully grown…

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    1. Well I’m glad you like her (Pam of course is not surprised in the least) and I do enjoy writing her, yes Sookie and orgasmic births are fun but Pam just offers so much more and she kind of has a mind of her own when I write her… I swear we’re nothing alike, we both just really like shoes 😀

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  3. Oh my goodness! This was a riot from start to finish! I laughed when she screamed that the bath didn’t help because I thought the same exact thing when I was in labor! I can’t imagine having five! I agree with the designer names or she could be like George Foreman and name them all some version of her name. Patrick, Pablo, Paxton, Pascal, Ella and they’d be Pat, Pab,Pax,Pas,Ella. Lol. That took way too long to think through. 😝

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    1. Glad you liked 😀 and I’ll take the baths for pain management as bullshit and file it away for future use… I’d be okay with designer names if they were dogs but considering the fluidity of fashion Pam would be renaming those kids every other year if she named them after her current favourites… As auto correct often turns Niall into Naill I”m kind of feeling Nail, Pin, Screw, Tack and maybe a Spike in honour of msbuffy…

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        1. Meh…Not especially… 😉 I fear they’re being relegated to middle names at the moment and for reasons of clarification any possible Spike will not be the one starring in your Christmas fic, this family is far too incestuous as it is..

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          1. I was thinking that very thing the other day… What a family tree! Sookie now has 4 new great uncles & one new great aunt who are younger than her children. And this is beginning to sound WAY too much like my own family…

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  4. This was absolutely awesome…you have described Pam’ labour in such a brillant way …I’m still laughing over the century poop and Dr. Ludwig dressed in “Dora the explorer” swim suit… How is Pam going to cope with five little fairy/vampire hybrids….I’m so anxious for more…
    P.S. Is there a mini Pam ?

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    1. Glad to hear you enjoyed that and the almost poop of the century… and yes thankfully number five is a Mini-Pam otherwise I fear there would have been a circumcision gone wrong…

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  5. This has got to be the most hilarious thing I’ve ever edited or read! I had the greatest time working with you on this one & thinking about how you could try to keep the part about labor & birth somewhat realistic even as Pam, the 100-year-old vampire, gave birth to vampire-faery babies! LMAO!!! You did the most spectacular job of it! Next summer when my granddaughter wants a bathing suit, I’ll insist that it be a ‘Dora the Explorer’ in honor of you & Dr. Ludwig! LOL!
    Somehow I can’t see Pam understanding the need for the circumcisions though… I can hear the roars from Niall & Eric now!
    “Sookie, explain! They are going to do what with these penises?” BBBWWWAAAHHH!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re the expert but I still stand by my Doctor Ludwig one shot as the funniest thing I’ve written.

      I fear I am getting quite the reputation at your house, first spaghetti and now my style Nazi ways are insisting on ‘uniforms’ in the form of bathing suits 😉 I’ve never even seen a Dora show but I see that face on kid’s clothes all the time so I assume she’s popular in that specific demographic so I won’t feel to bad on your insistence on that.

      I am incorporating the circumcisions for sure, although I have to reason why Pam would want them. I never understood why America as a whole insists on them so much, here it’s only religious Muslims and Jews. I remember shamefully the first time I saw one I blurted out ‘what the hell did you do to your penis?’ in my innocence… the poor boy…

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      1. I’m not quite sure either, I had a baby girl!! As my mother explained it, it was something to do with cleanliness & sanitary reasons. It’s no longer quite as common because insurance companies now consider it elective or optional surgery, therefore; it’s no longer covered under health insurance plans. If Americans have to pay out-of-pocket, it ain’t happening for the most important! I had the opposite reaction to yours upon seeing an uncircumcised one! LOL! Little did I know…

        You have a glowing reputation in our home! Besides, you’re currently our favorite ingrate. Your sense of humor fits in quite well. I wouldn’t suggest putting yourself through the torture that is the ‘Dora the Explorer’ show though. I’m so relieved my granddaughter isn’t living here now, and my grandson’s in kindergarten so I’m no longer subjected to it & those stupid songs don’t resonate through my head for the rest of the day… As for the spaghetti, you & Niall would have been so proud of me the other night! I was draining the noodles – in the wrong sink, the garbage disposal side so they weren’t draining. I picked up the colander & they all slid out so quickly I couldn’t move the colander to catch them quickly enough… Fortunately, I was able to catch them in time before they all slid down into the garbage disposal and fished them back into the colander thus rescuing my husband’s dinner(later than 5 pm dinner, Archie Bunker!) and thankfully had cleaned the sinks that day! Not only did I do all of this laughing like a crazy person, but it steamed up my glasses so much that I could barely see what I was doing! My husband just stood behind me snickering… He said, “I bet you won’t be telling your friend about this one, huh?” My response, “Oh hells yes!”
        We have so much fun here! Embrace the insanity! : )

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        1. Well I’m honoured to be the favoured ingrate at the moment and mightily impressed with your spaghetti saving skills, although I’ve been taught by the Italians not to drain your pasta but simply use tongs to toss it into your sauce so that the starchy water that sticks to it thickens the sauce. That and your pasta water needs to be as salty as the sea.

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          1. Oh yes! Gotta have the salt! I don’t throw the noodles in the sauce – I keep ’em separate. We’re still laughing, but then we’re old & it’s easy to amuse the feeble-minded!

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  6. Niall has to be happy with all these extra Royal babies… Are they in the line of succession for the Fae throne? Mini-Pam sounds hilarious already!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have yet to figure out how those Royal Faeries work, we’re supposed to believe a Prince is in charge when there’s a Queen too? Maybe only Pinnie is in line for the throne? I’d say Niall’s got himself an heir and some spares and since we never saw Dermot on the show perhaps these little kids are it.

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