Fangsgiwin`

A/N: Part of the Everything and More universe that was an outtake from the Thanksgiving Fixin’s series. Without reading EAM little will make sense.

I have posted two versions of this on the same page. When I sent this over to MsBuffy I encouraged her to up the crazy on ‘Bill’s’ accent which I usually omit as I find it too much parody than actual speech but for this particular piece it works. Saying that, it may have become difficult to understand the ‘Bill’ speak so there is an unchanged version that starts midway on the page so if ‘Bill’ becomes difficult to follow scroll on down to the second banner. Apologies for the long scroll for the rest of you but I would love to hear your thoughts on how these kids are turning out. The kids have speech impediments in both, though that’s mostly swapping out r’s for w’s and shouldn’t be that hard to follow.

Amended disclaimer: the character of Spike and any of his recognisable dialogue belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and 20th Century Fox. I just like to toss him in among the mix, no financial gains and all the rest of it to prove my continued innocence.

“Pam, I said no gifts,” Sookie protested at the sudden sighting of the giant structure ensconced upon their cosy dinner table set out in their sprawling garden.

“You said, ‘no spending money on gifts’,” Pam countered with a hard stare. “I didn’t spend any money on any ‘gifts’.”

Eric gently caressed her thigh before offering diplomatically, “Hear her out first, älskling.” Sookie only glared at him in return, assuming he was in on the clearly prohibited gift-giving extravaganza. “Notice any absent little minds?” he pointed out with a cocked eyebrow.

Sookie took a good look at the seats around the large round table, a shape they had settled on after many family dinners where the position for head of the table was argued over once too often. She sought out the spaces that were most heavily splattered with red sauce from the ever present spaghetti on the fine table linens that once belonged to her Gran Adele and found they were indeed noticeably vacant. Her eyes returned to the monstrous pop-up theatre stage Pam had just wheeled in with much fanfare and found seven little minds hiding out inside.

“What is this?” she asked Eric who replied with an unknowing shrug of his own.

“Let’s see, shall we?” he said with an outreached hand to direct them to the assembly of chairs that were set up in front of the temporary stage. The seats of honour were clearly identifiable as Pam had dug out Eric’s Fangtasia throne from storage and managed to find a matching throne, albeit slightly smaller, set beside it.

“This doesn’t look like it didn’t cost any money,” Sookie spoke lowly towards Pam as the rest of their party took their seats.

“Who says you get to keep any of this?” she huffed back in return.

“Sookie,” Eric pleaded once more. “Give it a chance, please?”

“Fine,” she said with slight resignation. The telepath who knew everything remarkably wasn’t one who enjoyed surprises, and the shields she had the seven faelings help nurture from birth were effectively keeping her out of what was to come. Knowing it was Pam who had been organising this she feared it could be some garish show or circus act involving the little children in severely inappropriate ways. Pam’s parenting intuitions were hit or miss at best most days.

Confident with the knowledge that Sookie’s obstinate ways had settled for now, the vampiress retreated towards the stage for her directorial debut. A little head peeked out between the red curtains as she curiously looked into the small crowd before her eyes zoomed in on her father. “Hi Daddy!” Pinnie yelled with an enthusiastic wave at Niall who was holding up the camera in anticipation. He blew her a kiss in return and soon the head of one of her brothers popped out alongside her who instantly got a firm smack for interfering her Daddy and me time. Before it could erupt into a full blown fight with a chorus of proclaiming ‘mines’ the two heads were snatched away by their mother. To whom which parent belonged was the ongoing argument that constantly occupied the quints, causing Pam to experience her first headache in a century as vampire and she’d be damned if this was another one of those nights.

“Don’t worry,” Willa offered from her seat beside an increasingly anxious Sookie. “I made sure Pam didn’t organise anything outlandish.”

“What is this, Willa?” Sookie whispered as the garden lights around them started to dim.

“Jus` enjoy it, Sookie luv,” Spike offered when Willa was still carefully considering what she could reveal. “The bits wanted t` do something nice for the two of you on your special day, yeah?”

Sookie nodded reluctantly before movements on the small stage demanded their attention.

“Ahem,” Pinnie spoke, uncharacteristically shy as the spotlight settled on her small frame after stepping bravely through the curtains to the front of the stage. Her little hands crumpled at the edges of the piece of paper she was to read from. “Welcome everyone.”

She stared nervously into the dark crowd where no one seemed to respond to her softly spoken words. From the background hissing words from her mother urged her to continue.

“Go on, Pins,” Spike called out when she remained hesitant and bit nervously at her bottom lip.

“Uncle Spike!” Pinnie yelled eagerly and waved towards him, dropping the piece of paper she was supposed to read from in the process. “Oops!”

“Don` worry bit, jus` do as we practiced,” he encouraged when the girl looked around desperately to where the letter she was supposed to be reading from had disappeared.

She nodded bravely before steeling herself and turning her gaze towards the guests of honour on their thrones, “Dear Uncle Ewic and Aunt Sookie,” She fidgeted momentarily with the fabric of her dress in deep concentration till she found the words she had carefully memorised again. “Today is your special day, because on Thanksgiving Day evewything that went wwong befowe became wight again. Eva and Vigí had to cwy when Mamma Pam told `em they couldn’t buy you a pwesent for your anniwersary.” In demonstration she churned her little fists in front of her eyes washing away the crocodile tears she was known to put on quite successfully to get her way.

Sookie rolled her eyes slightly with the Pam-induced guilt trip but eventually chuckled along with Eric over his eldest progeny’s passive-aggressive ways. “Then Bwan said maybe we could make you somethin` instead,” she continued after a pointed cough that shut up the sounds of amusement effectually. Sookie warmed at that thought, Bran was the most soft-hearted of all Pam’s children who got on particularly well with Willa and her youngest son. “So we made you this. Enjoy!”

With another excited squeal Pinnie ran off stage as the curtains slowly opened to reveal little Spike lying on the stage being held down by Bran and Sprig. The background was obviously a projected drawing of a forest by Viggo’s talented hands who at his tender age showed quite the aptitude in capturing the world around him on paper.

“Get away fwom dem ya evil dwainers!” Eva screamed as she entered the scene blasting her little cousins lightly with her fairy light causing the audience to applaud.

“Yewh saaahved meeh Sookeeeh!” little Spike cried out through his poorly held plastic set of fangs. “Now yewh muhst drink mah blaahd!”

“Why?” Eva demanded while tapping her little foot impatiently on the wood of the stage with her hands petulantly resting over the green miniature apron around her waist. Willa was glad that Pam had not snuck back in the little breast cups she had initially sown into the replica of Sookie’s old Merlotte’s uniform.

“Because yehw ahre a stupid twaht!” he spoke excitedly, Spike was especially pleased to be using one of the naughty words without repercussion. “And yehw cahn’t heahr mah innher hevil thohughts!”

“Ok then!” Eva instantly agreed, bobbing her head along eagerly. Eric couldn’t help but snicker and quickly received a hard slap from Sookie that he merely retaliated by kissing the scrunch in her nose that had emerged. They watched as their daughter sank to her knees while little Spike squirted out a packet of ketchup into her waiting mouth.

With a grimace Eva swallowed it and looked aghast when little Spike triumphantly declared “Yehw arhe MAHINE, Sookeh!”

“No!” she screamed. “You evil bastard!”

Little Spike cackled loudly as he pretended to drag her off the stage, “Cohme nohw, AI muhst shohw yehw ohff to mah Shaehriff!” The curtains closed and after some shuffling noises the stage reopened with a background resembling Fangtasia whereupon a miniature throne sat Sprig with a ridiculous-looking blonde wig that barely revealed his features. Beside him stood a bored looking Pinnie in a somehow age-appropriate corseted dress looking the mirror image of her mother in the miniature.

“Look aht mah telehpath!” little Spike pronounced proudly to the audience. “MAHINE, MAHINE, MAHINE!”

Eva’s eyes were immediately drawn to the little boy on the throne while little Spike continued his rant while thumping his chest, “Who’s that?” the little girl asked as if her breath had just been stolen from her.

“Thaht is Ewic!” little Spike fumed. “AI hate heem and AI will injoy tauhnting heem fohr missin’ ouht on mah prihze! Nhow Sookeh, AI damahnd yehw tah bahahve.”

“Yes, Sookie,” Eric whispered teasingly as he kissed the tips of her fingers, “Behave.”

“Hush!” she hissed in return with a betraying smile of amusement while pulling back her hand. Despite the subject matter and Pam’s very liberal creative vision, she was greatly enjoying the performance the children had put on.

“You don’t own me, Bill Compton!” Eva shouted angrily, releasing herself from his hold twirling in the replica of her mother’s much cherished red and white dress. “I will do what I wike!”

In their little struggle they both noticed Sprig beckoning them forward with two fingers from behind his wig that made him slightly resemble Cousin It. When it threatened to slip from his head Pinnie quickly set it back, albeit slightly askew.

“Bill Compton, it has been awhile,” Sprig spoke from beneath his wig before tossing it off with annoyance revealing his flustered red face. He panted out in exasperation before angrily addressing his mother off stage shouting, “Mamma, I need ta’ breathe!”

Some unheard threat was spoken from beyond the curtains as the audience erupted in laughter. Pinnie, equally red-faced and angered, stomped her feet loudly before hissing for everyone to shush. Little Spike glanced nervously at his mother who encouraged him to continue with his line as the wig was left to the floor.

“Look at mah nehw shiahny telehpath, Ewic!” little Spike continued while his hands nervously tried to hold up the stuck on sideburns that were beginning to peel down with the profuse sweating caused by the stage lights. “Yehw mahy loohk buht cahn’t touhch! She is MAHINE!”

“Sit,” Sprig instructed coolly gesturing at the two chairs in front of him. “Is this true, Sookie? Are you his?”

Eva sadly bobbed her head while little Spike triumphantly informed, “She hahs mah bloohd! MAHINE, MAHINE, MAHINE!”

“Dial it back a notch,” Pinnie spoke dryly, channelling her mother with a startling accuracy. “You’re starting to piss me off.”

With the mention of the word ‘piss’ the four children on stage started to snicker profusely, as they had in every rehearsal despite Pam, Spike, and Willa’s best efforts to eradicate their childish delight with the word. For good measure it was repeated on its’ own by a mischievous Eva as the four little actors fell into giggles and forgot their performance. A pointed look from Pam had them quickly back to their task as the audience and performers calmed down again.

“Ewic, we have to get out of here!” Eva spoke up nervously. “Someone has a bomb!”

“A bomb!” little Spike shrieked like a girl before running offstage in panic. “I muhst sahve mahself!”

“Sookie!” Sprig shouted before covering her body with his while a cloud of dry ice obscured everything from view.

“Ewic!” Eva screamed at Sprig’s lethargic body with the fake wounds.

“Sookie, I am dying,” Sprig strangled out.

“Nooooooooooo!” Eva screamed. “Lemme help!”

“You must suck out the bullets,” Sprig said with an evil glint and when Eva looked towards the wounds, he gave the audience a menacing eyebrow waggle. When she started to suck the strawberry sauce from his chest Sprig gave a big thumbs up to the audience while he hummed in delight with a big grin.

“Sookeh!” little Spike screamed angrily. “What arhe yehw dehwin`?” Yehw arhe MAHINE!”

“Ewic, was dyin`! I saved him,” she announced proudly.

“He wahs lyin`!” he retorted hotly. “Nohw he wihll be ahble tah twahck yehw with his superhior blaahd! Ruinin` mah evil plahns fohr yehw!”

“Oh Bill! I’m an idiot!” Eva apologised with a pout. “I’m so sowwy! Save me from this ewil monster!”

Eric received a well-earned slap across the chest within moments of the snort he released when Jason’s two eldest daughters entered the stage sporting a red and brown wig along with Viggo.

“Meeht mah friends, Sookeh,” little Spike said, gesturing towards the newcomers on stage. “Rhussell, Whorenah, Skankieh Ahnne and AI arhe gohing tah feahst ohn youhr blaahd ahnd ruhn in the suhn! Nohw hold stiehll!”

“Nooooooo!” Eva screamed as the plastic fangs dug into her soft pudgy skin. “Fangwapers!”

Sookie groaned a little with the knowledge that her daughter now knew the word ‘fangraper’ but not surprisingly it was one of the least offensive words she had learned from her beloved Aunty Pam.

“Dericious!” Viggo announced when they started to all gather around her as the scenery changed into an outdoor scene with a bright sun. “The Sun! The Sun!” they all chanted when Pinnie, now dressed as Claudine descended from above. Her natural ability to fly made her quite the challenge come bath and bed time but came in perfectly for this particular scene.

“Come with me, Sookie!” Pinnie yelled over the chanting ‘vampires’. “I’ve come here to abduct you and rob you of your light, but it beats hanging around wampires!”

“Ok then!” Eva agreed as the sun set behind them. While she was lifted up into the air Sprig came upon the scene, wielding a broad sword and stake set to attack the vampires while little Spike fled the stage, momentarily stopping to steal Sophie Anne’s crown and leaving a loosened sideburn behind in his haste. Meanwhile Lorena, Sophie Ann, and Russell, fell to the ground with Sprig’s impressive wielding of weapons, a skill taught to him by his beloved Uncle Eric.

“I wuv you, Sookie!” Sprig screamed after her as she disappeared alongside Pinnie with a loud pop.

Large amounts of awws were expressed by the thoroughly engaged audience as the curtains closed again. “I wuv you, älskling,” Eric whispered into her ear imitating the endearing speech impediments of the children.

“I love you too,” she whispered in return before placing a chaste kiss to his lips, one which he tried to deepen further much to her protestations and she was only saved from her supposed embarrassment by the continuation of the play.

“I’m such a sad little kitty cat without my balls of yarn,” Sprig wept in front of an accurate portrayal of Sookie’s former home on Hummingbird Lane in which Willa had become the proud occupant since then. “I can’t even drop a fang without my Sookie.”

“Like that Vicky?” Spike taunted Eric. “My personal contribution to tha script.”

Sookie snickered along with Willa, happy that the ridicule would not be solely at her expense anymore.

“Fangfuckingtastic,” Eric muttered under his breath. “Why am I not surprised?”

Suddenly the spotlight that was solely placed on Sprig lit up a secondary spot to reveal little Spike feeding off one of Jason’s daughters with his stolen crown atop his head.

“SOOKIE!” “SOOKEH!” Sprig and little Spike exclaimed at the same time before Eva emerged between the two with a bright surrounding light.

“MAHINE! MAHINE! MAHINE!” little Spike yelled while he toddled towards Eva while desperately trying to keep the heavy crown, an actual tiara from Pam’s vast collection, on his head. “AIh’ll ohnly hahve tah eliminahte tha fhairy in hehr ahnd she cahn nevah rhun awhay liahke thaht agahain! HAHAHAHA!”

“Stay away from me you EVIL wampires!” Eva screamed while running in the direction of ‘her’ house.

“Everyone who ever cared about you gave up on you Sookie!” Sprig tried to explain with a pant. “Look at Bill, his fangs are still wet from his latest feed. He only cares for your blood.”

“Go away!” she screamed as little Spike fangs continued to drip persistently with strawberry sauce.

“I never gave up on you, Sookie!” Sprig pleaded. “I. Never. Did.”

Eva gave her a lingering look before slamming the door on the piece of scenery and disappearing from view.

“Ewic!” little Spike commanded. “AI ahm yewhr King! Yewh weehl dehw az AI sahy!”

“I’m not giving up on Sookie! My blood is inside her too!”

“She wihll cohme tah her sehnses soohn ahnough,” little Spike said cockily before addressing the fourth wall. “Wonce tha witches erahse his memries he’ll forghet ahll abouht his claim ahnd Sookeh weehl be ahll MAHINE! I weell keehl her bafohr tha Norhthman gets his hanhds on her!”

Little Spike strode over the stage towards Eric laughing heartily, “Nohw yehw weehl dehw as AI cohmmahnd anhd go tah tha witches!”

“Yes, Your Majesty,” Sprig grumbled, and, as soon as little Spike turned his back, stuck out his tongue at him.

“Is that really how it went?” Sookie giggled beside Eric.

“Something like that,” he answered before kissing her temple.

“Conall Sprig Brigant!” Pam shrieked as she ran across the stage chasing after the little boy in the buff and his supersonic speeds when the curtains opened up prematurely. He squealed in delight with the pursuit as he showed off his impressive Brigant sized-manhood to the audience while his mother continued to spew venom his way. “You need to wear your jeans!”

Sprig giggled with delight while she hoisted him into the pair of pants as he squirmed on the floor. Pam quickly disappeared offstage before the boy continued his random running path across the stage till he collided into Eva.

“Ewic!” she shrieked. “Leave me alone!”

“Why do you smell so good?” he sighed with delight as he dramatically sniffed her. “Why do you smell like me?”

“Eeew!” she squeaked out. “That’s not funny, Ewic!”

“Who’s Ewic?” Sprig asked in confusion.

“Stop playing and let me go home, Ewic!”

“Is that who I am?” he asked timidly. “Ewic?”

“What happened to you?” Eva questioned, her voice considerably kinder.

“I don’t know,” Sprig answered kicking his feet shyly. “Everything is just… gone.”

“Come on,” she replied. “We’ll hide in my house.”

“Are you mine? Sooh-key?” he asked, discerning her name from the tiny emblem on her Merlotte’s t-shirt.

“NEVER!” Eva screamed. “I’m too stupid to see what’s good for me until it’s too late.”

“Ok then,” Sprig shrugged before following her into the cardboard house.

“Sookeh! Sookeh!” little Spike yelled out, having lost both side burns at this point. “Cohme tah meeh mah Sookeh! Stoohped witchez, how cahn they lohse ah ghiant Viking?”

“Go away, Bill!” Eva huffed from her position on her porch.

“Fhine!” he yelled back. “AI weehl ratuhrn! Ha! AI cahn’t wahit tah shoot her ahnd thehn she’ll be ahll MAHINE ahgahin!”

“Sookie, I had a bad dream,” Sprig whispered as their two little faces could be seen through one of the windows.

“Come here,” she whispered in return holding her arms wide open.

“Can I kiss you?” he requested with a grimace on his face at the prospect of what was to come.

“Ok,” Eva returned as her face set in a look of utter disgust. They both jutted out their lips before quickly pecking each other’s quickly with their eyes firmly squeezed closed. “Blegh!” Eva shrieked while Sprig was energetically wiping at his tongue with his hand when the curtain closed on them again.

“Is that really how it went?” Willa teased, the amused twosome beside her.

“Something like that,” Eric answered dryly, and sent a wink Sookie’s way who then proceeded to blush at the memories from nearly a decade ago.

“We will be one,” Sprig said seriously as more strawberry sauce dripped from between the two palms of their hands.

“I wuv you, Ewic,” Eva said adoringly, with an excessive amount of battings of her eyelashes.

“I wuv you, too,” Sprig returned devotedly before he screamed out her name in anguish when little Spike appeared behind her with a gun. A large ball of light emerged from Eva landing in Sprig’s chest when suddenly, her nearly-identical cousin, Pinnie, lay beside her with a pair of fairy wings strapped to her back. Little Spike quickly swooped in and forced his wrist to Eva’s mouth, though eventually she managed to wiggle free and proceeded to walk over to Sprig who was hyperventilating on the floor. “I wemember everything Sookie!” he said happily. “I wuv you!”

Eva narrowed her eyes at him and spoke coolly, “I don’t wuv you anymore! I’m with Bill now!” She turned on her heels as Pinnie screamed a fierce ‘No!” while she banged her little fists on a glass sheet that held her captive in the background and Sprig clutched painfully at his heart while whimpering Sookie’s name.

“Yehw slattehrn!” little Spike accused Eva while poking her chest. “Yehw gahve meeh Hep-V”

“I’m so sowwy,” Eva whimpered. “Let me kiss it and make it better.”

“Noh!” he yelled with a sneer. “Givhe meeh youhr lihght!”

“I don’t wanna,” Eva said with her arms firmly across her chest while shaking her head back and forth energetically causing Pinnie to cheer loudly behind her confined piece of glass. “It’s my light!”

“Gihve iht tah meeh!” little Spike demanded again as he charged at her with a shovel.

“No” she screamed and the end of the shovel landed in his armpit causing him to fall to the floor and a large bucket of red goo splattered them both causing all the children except little Spike to cheer as he pretended to be finally dead when the curtains closed again.

Viggo appeared and sat near the front of the stage on a little stool with a giant book. He pushed the little stage glasses Pam had fashioned him further up his nose as he began to narrate the scene.

“Fairy Sookie was imprisoned for years until the last remains of Bill were finally gone,” he said sadly. “But as soon as the last of Bill’s blood was gone,” Unceremoniously a bucket of water was tossed over the red spot where little Spike had lay down. “she escaped her prison and went to Ewic!”

Pinnie proceeded to run immediately for Sprig’s opened arms where they hugged each other tightly.

“I wuv you, Faiwy Sookie!” Sprig said, which Pinnie returned with equal glee. “But we have to save Stupid Sookie!”

“Which was a very good idea,” Viggo continued to read. “But Ewic and Faiwy Sookie were too busy making moon eyes at each other.” In demonstration, Pinnie and Sprig did exactly that while a miserable Eva sat with a pillow underneath her dress. “So then Mamma Pam inter- interweened, and told them to get their heads out of their tushies, but they didn’t listen to her so she found Granddaddy Niall and enchanted him with spaghetti!”

“Spaghetti!” the little kids all exclaimed excitedly as if it were a Pavlov reaction.

“Mamma Pam and Niall sent Faiwy Sookie and Ewic to Idiot Sookie to sort it out ‘cause they were ruining Mamma Pam’s beautifully arranged Thanksgiving feast.”

“Her feast?” Sookie muttered under her breath to an amused-looking Willa who shared her sentiments as it was her and the then-Human Sookie who had slaved over that particular spread that Thanksgiving Day. “All Pam did was show up with a bag of mini marshmallows.”

“Behave,” Eric teased.

A small smile crept up the corner of her mouth as she answered defiantly, “Never.”

“Then Granddaddy Niall waved his magic wand and-,” Viggo continued.

“Please tell me that’s not what I think it is,” Eric winced when Tack came on stage swinging a fire hose in hand.

“Poor baby,” Sookie mocked while running her fingers through his hair.

“Then two became one!” Viggo finished breathlessly while Pinnie and Eva ran circles around each other till the fairy wings came away and Pinnie ran off stage into the arms of her mother.

“And they lived happiwy ever after!” all the children and Pam finished in a poorly coordinated unison.

“With lots of little bits,” little Spike roared before they all took a bow.

“Happy Fangsgiwin` everywon!” Pinnie squealed from her mother’s hold while waving to the crowd who applauded and cheered loudly. It didn’t take long before they all bounded out from behind the stage settling into their favoured adults laps.

“Did ya see me, Uncle Spike, I was real bad!” little Spike said proudly.

“Yeah I saw, bit,” Spike grinned encouragingly although in good conscious would never label Bill Compton a Big Bad. “You were a real baddy alright!”

“Mamma, why are you cwyin? Were we no good?” Viggo asked from his father’s lap which only caused Sookie to cry even more profusely.

“No, no,” Eric quickly corrected in soothing, something he did quite a lot for his youngest son who always wanted the assurance he had done everything correctly. “Remember what Pappa said about Mamma crying?”

“Happy tears!” Eva piped in self-assuredly with a wide grin from her mother’s lap.

“And why does mamma have happy tears?” Eric smiled dotingly while he kissed the crown of his daughter’s head.

“Because of the babies!” Bran said shyly before lots of little hands started to feel for a sign of life on the surface of her stomach, causing Sookie to giggle with the ticklish feel as there was not so much of her stomach to show yet.

“Happy Thanksgiving, älskling,” Eric whispered before giving her a soft and chaste kiss.

“Happy Thanksgiving,” she returned with a watery smile against his lips.

“EEEEEEW!”