Thanksgiving Fixin’s 4-7

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#4

 

“Pamela?” Eric’s stern voice commanded. “Who the fuck has been messing with my scripts?”

 

His progeny barely looked up, too engrossed in combing her personal lookalike’s hair. The likeness was striking, of course she would always remain far better looking than the doll but she had to admit it was great fun to dress the Barbie doll in all the different outfits on her desk. They had come to the decision to act out the show with dolls as every actor and actress up for the part of Eric or Sookie was vetoed by one or the other when their significant other held an appreciative eye for a performer. There was no way in hell Pam was going to allow ugly people on her cast. Well that’s what she had told her maker and his bonded, of course Pam had a stable of the most attractive actors ready and waiting but they’d be long gone, fucking each other’s brain out all over the world before they would notice.

 

“Pamela,” her maker repeated with a menacing growl that finally had her averting eyes upwards. “My scripts?”

 

“They’re on your desk,” she returned dismissively.

 

Eric took an unneeded breath and counted to ten before his tone was calm enough again. “Someone has been messing with my scripts. Again,” he seethed while tossing the thick stack of papers onto her ridiculously pink desk. “You’re supposed to be head bitch in charge here and all you seem to be doing is playing with these dolls.”

 

“But they’re so cute Eric,” she gushed waving the downsized version of him excitedly. “Look at little Eric in his little leather jacket.”

 

“There is nothing little about me!” the almighty and virile Viking sneered before departing her office. “Find the fucker who is messing with my scripts!”

 

“Cry baby,” Pam muttered to his departing form while reaching for the altered script.

 

“I heard that!”

 

“Bite me!”

 

Her speedy eyes started grazing the pages watching as the careful craftsmanship of Eric’s words were being violated by a certain ghost writer. It wasn’t a hard guess who the ghost may be, the fucker would be decidedly dead soon enough.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with him,” Pam uttered to herself as she walked to the source of the problem who occupied the smallest office at the end of the hall. “She uses that fairy light of hers and he turns human? As if! What’s next they run off into the sunset together and he doesn’t burn?”

 

She groaned when the ridiculously predictable ending appeared on the next page, he wasn’t even original enough to make it proverbial. “Cocksucker Compton!” Pam yelled into the empty office. She should have been coloured surprised by that fact, except that she wasn’t and knew exactly where to find the weasily slimeball.  Hanging over Sookie’s desk. As always. And as always she was too polite to send him off. Apparently the clear distancing line marked out on the floor and the ‘Fuck off Compton’ sign Eric installed held no meaning to the Civil War vet.

 

Pam wasted no time dragging him by his ridiculously casual Henley shirt and tossed him into the bathrooms. The blonde vampire remarked again the office was nice and all but it really was missing a good torture dungeon. Humans, however, were predictable enough to be disgusting when it came to these quarters so it worked in a pinch.

 

“I swear to Satan himself you constipated fuck if you mess with the scripts one more time I’ll stake you myself. Press tour be damned,” she yelled out at the shivering vamp. “You can’t even get a fucking Starbucks order right what makes you think you can write a decent ending? The only ending you’ll ever be able to perform is your fucking self! And you’d probably fuck that up too!”

 

“I’m…” he started in defence but a sharp jab of her pumps silenced him instantly.

 

“I don’t fucking want to hear it,” Pam raged. “See that porcelain throne, better get used to it. That’s the only one you’ll ever sit on again with a crown atop your head ever again. You’re on cleaning duty and I’m fucking ordering Mexican for the humans.”

 

“But I have no cleaning supplies.”

 

A single brow raised pointedly as she continued to look down on the whimpering fool. She considered giving him another well aimed kick of the pump but instead she raised two forefingers in front of her mouth, splayed wide and waggled her tongue at him provocatively. “Better get creative Bill.”

 

A nervous gulp drank down his throat before giving a submissive nod as his tongue darted out and wiped at the porcelain bowl. The blonde vampiress spun on her heels exciting the disgusting room yelling for her inept assistant, “Ginger! Bring round my car I need to drain a fucking donor!” After all that work Pam really did think she deserved a night on the town, LA sure beat bumfuck, Louisiana. “And a mani-pedi!”

 

“Did she fall for it,” Sookie whispered to Eric under Pam’s desk.

 

He listened to the departing clacks of her expensive footwear before giving the affirmative nod.

 

“Look at us we’re so cute,” she said excitedly holding up their counterpart dolls. It was a mystery to them both why no one recognised that they were clearly the matching set of the lot.

 

“I’m not cute,” Eric grumbled.

 

“Handsome then,” she corrected before offering a conciliatory kiss. “Hey you have no penis. It’s just plastic underwear. You never wear underwear.”

 

“You have no holes,” he complained as he lifted up the dress on the Sookie doll. “How are they supposed to have sex?”

 

“Well when I was little we just did this,” Sookie said with a small demonstration of writhing dolls.

 

“That’s ridiculous,” Eric retorted with a roll of his eyes. “Let’s show them how it’s done.”

 

“Eric,” Sookie hissed. “This is Pam’s office.”

 

“Exactly,” he returned with a waggle of his brow.

 

“Oh…” Before managing to give her affirming reply his lips already silenced any sound that would further pass hers. When he finally let her up for some much needed air she managed to stammer out between fleeting moans, “hey Eric how’s the show going to end?”

 

“Who the fuck cares?” he said between pronounced kisses as his hands travelled all over her body.

 

“Well I’m curious.”

 

“We end up together, laughing, fucking and killing the occasional fairy.”

 

“So pretty much what we do now?” Sookie breathed out.

 

“Yes,” Eric confirmed. “Who cares how it ends as long as we end up fucking under this table, on top of it against the wall and you know I’m fucking you up against that giant window.”

 

“Eri-” her protests were instantly absorbed by his mouth again and her body soon complied with his every wish as his tongue stroked her into submission. While the two eternally insatiable lovers continued their play on the fluorescent pink carpet the intern Frian Fuckner, Bill’s personal recruit, stealthily entered the room and stole away the final script to add to the altered stack he already ‘wrote’. His beady little eyes gleamed with the power he now exerted as he crawled behind his computer and in the cover of darkness wrote what he considered his magnum opus and clicked send, delivering irreparable damage in the end.

 

Bill-or-Eric-eric-sookie-vs-bill-sookie-11958163-402-604

 

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#5

 

“So Katie as you can see these are our closest friends and family,” Pam said gesturing at the large gathered table of mostly Sookie’s friends and family. Supplemented with as many demographically appropriate sourced children. “It usually isn’t such a large gathering but it is Thanksgiving. Eric and I do enjoy the company of good honest hard working Americans. Isn’t that right honey?”

 

“Of course dear,” Eric returned with the fakest smile he owned as they continued the charade for the camera. In all honesty he merely tolerated most of the people at the table for Sookie’s sake. Her brother was amusing as was Lafayette but he would surely forget most of the others in a decade or two. “It’s why all our production lines are in the good old U.S. of A.”

 

Pam continued her practiced political spiel carrying that megawatt smile which instantly fell off her face with the disappearance of the red light above the camera lens. To her credit Pam had vastly improved upon her ‘warm’ personality for the camera since Nan Flanagan had forced her appearance for the AVL promos.

 

Eric looked longingly across the yard at his beloved Sookie who was forced to re-enact the pouring of the drinks around the table for the third time for the benefit of the camera. The asshole who was sitting in his seat was treated to the patented Eric Northman death glare as she hugged her ‘honey’ for the third time that night. Motherfucker was lucky he was gay and could style Pam’s hair like no other or there would have been no restraint left in the Viking as the hairy paws of Immanuel surrounded Sookie for the fourth time that night.

 

Eric sighed internally for the nth time that night for agreeing to Pam’s latest schemes but he had to agree she had a point. They resided in a ‘red’ state and while that colour usually had his inner vampire happy with glee in this case it had only caused them problems. The demise of governor Burrell had given them some berth especially when the New Blood money started coming in big and fast. Pam and Eric were invited everywhere as the latest power couple and the media quickly spun them as ‘eternal lovers’. That kept the money coming in even faster as the mortals became fascinated by their ‘love’ story and had them stocking up on a product with a short shelf life that they never drank and replenished regardless for the mere thought that these two might show up for dinner one night. It was all good for business so they never corrected the assumption.

 

Pam’s run for Governor had them reasserting the image others had created for them. There was no way around it, she had to become an actual ‘Republicunt’ if they were ever to stand a chance at winning the elections and Eric was relegated the role of supportive husband. It was all imperative to their business, whose growth and thus further survival was being waylaid by the current staunch anti-vampire Governor and because of Sookie, Eric had refused to entertain relocating to a more tolerant environment.

 

Pam knew her maker would happily give it all up to live the rest of his days without a penny to his name with Sookie. He had hated that she sent a glamour squad to erase the memories of their four year relationship to every living thing at the table and the other inhabitants of Bon Temps. Sookie herself had been the one to convince him of the need in the end, she didn’t like being relegated as Eric’s dirty little secret but she too saw the need for the tolerance necessary in the political office.

 

It was for their own good, Willa had assured Pam of this many times. As was this TV crew. It wouldn’t be long before their plans would unravel assuring her of the governor’s seat. The natural daughter of Republicunts herself knew exactly how to play to the emotional heartstrings of their intended electorate. They had glamoured Immanuel so well he nearly forgot his attraction to men. The two daughters knew their maker well enough to know he wouldn’t last long with the amorous appearance of the ‘happy’ hosting couple.

 

They shared a perceptive look as they observed their maker’s poor hold on his emotions as the enamoured hairstylist ground his crotch into an uncomfortable looking Sookie as he continued to stroke over her protruding belly. Willa received the approving nod from Pam and quickly gathered the camera crew into another direction and just as they predicted their maker took the opportune moment to steal Sookie away.

 

Another signal was exchanged when the tell-tale sounds that could only be heard by sensitive vampire ears emerged. Pam directed the crew into the old farmstead as per her and Willa’s scheme. “Character like this really can’t be found anymore,” Pam narrated with faux nostalgia of the to her utterly unimpressive home while her hand moved over the doorknob as she pretended to ignore the grunting sounds that were coming from beyond the door. The observing eye would notice that her well-practiced line of “Oh my God! Eric how could you?” was delivered a few seconds before a proper view of the room was even given. The TV crew however descended on the sight like vultures as they took in the couple mid coitus where Sookie scrambled to cover her bare behind with her upturned dress as an angry Eric tried to evict the camera crew out unsuccessfully as he tripped over the pants still around his ankles as his hands scrambled to cover the camera lens. The sisters exchanged another knowing glance. Everything had gone exactly as planned.

 

The two progeny sat contentedly in the newly modified Governor’s Mansion in Baton Rouge smoking two fat cigars throwing the recently struck matches into the fireplace as they congratulated each other on a job well done. As predicted the sympathy had fallen in Pam’s favour. There was collective outrage with the betrayal of her former ‘eternal’ love and with that she had won the election with ease. It only further proved to Pam that humans were especially stupid and it only made sense that the more intelligent species be in charge of them now. Her first goal was to outlaw those awful looking Crocs in the state. She shivered in disgust every time she spotted a pair.

 

“How long do you suppose till we’re forgiven?” Willa asked Pam, as she held more knowledge when it came to Eric’s ire.

 

She gave a tiny shrug, “Not much longer,” Pam returned while discerning whether she was in need of a new manicure already. “Sookie texted me she’d see me next Tuesday. Although she did spell it with a ‘c’ and just a ‘u’… she’s usually so good with her grammar.”

 

“And Eric?”

 

“He’ll get over it soon enough,” she mused. “Eric’s probably only mad because Sookie’s mad. With the amount of pixels needed to cover his ‘gracious plenty’ he really can’t complain about his latest claim to fame. It was good thinking on your part to make Sookie wear that fake pregnancy belly. Humans are such idiots, they will scorn a woman for everything and anything but when they’re pregnant they’re all saints.”

 

As soon as the media storm died down Pam knew her maker would be grateful as he was now absolved from his public role and could return to relative anonymity with Sookie running the New Blood business without difficulty. The glamour squad had already lifted the hold on the town’s memories and the media had moved on to the next politician and his airport bathroom relations.

 

Pam and Willa already had their next political aspirations expertly planned out. The ‘unfortunate’ Immanuel had already agreed to be her next beard as through their tragic mutual betrayal a ‘romance’ between them would emerge and with careful leaks that would guarantee her a seat in the senate. While running for the presidency his preference for men would be revealed and with that victory Pam would finally teach that oval office what sex with a woman was really all about.

 

“What if they never stop being mad?” Willa probed nervously.

 

“As soon as we pass the laws allowing marriage and adoption for our kind they’ll remember exactly why we are sitting in this office,” Pam smiled at her sister. “They’ll remember that everything we did and do is for them.”

 

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A/N: Slight non-con warning but really it’s all in the name of comedic hijinks, nothing graphic and I doubt anyone will take offense but just in case you have been warned…

 

#6

 

“You can come out of the woods now,” Sookie spoke at a normal volume to human ears, knowing he would hear her with ease.

 

“In a minute,” he yelled back as he continued his game of Candy Crush on his phone. Sookie shook her head as she gathered the final plates and blew out the last of the candles.

 

“You could have just joined us at the table,” she sighed not expecting an answer as she heard the tell-tale music in the background that would have him glued to the smartphone for hours.

 

“You know weres make me itchy,” he returned with a crinkle of his nose startling her with his sudden appearance beside her.

 

“And shifters are shifty,” Sookie sighed as she repeated the usual insults flung at her friends. She gave him a fiery scowl before she shoved the stack of plates into his arms. “Take those inside will you?”

 

“I don’t understand why you do this all yourself.”

 

“Because I want to,” she said with a hard glare, unwilling to discuss this subject again.

 

“I wish you would allow me to take care of you,” he tried again.

 

“I already told you no. I’m doing just fine on my own.”

 

“With Bob?”

 

“Don’t start about Bob again,” Sookie warned. “He pays his share of the bills and that’s all that matters.”

 

“He’s a cat,” he pointed out.

 

“Was a cat,” Sookie corrected. It was per Holly’s suggestion that Bob had come to live with Sookie as she needed the money while missing work during the final trimester of her pregnancy. It had been a little disconcerting when she first met him as he resembled Alcide in looks. Looking back if starting a family was ever going to have happened with anyone it would have been with the deceased werewolf. Sookie had soon after discovered he was a rare breed among his kind. She had tried to date human men after that but it was a wasted attempt. She had closed herself off of any further vampire romances as she could no longer see a long term future in that anymore, they all just seemed to carry too much baggage. She would be lying to herself that she didn’t like to google a certain Viking’s name on a cold and lonely night but only with that distance would she entertain any hint of fang. She was an independent woman now and that was that.

 

By all appearances Bob would have been her perfect partner. His transformation into a cat for two years had altered his brain signature making it sound like a subtle haze. He was handsome but just like Alcide, he was still hung up on the ex that had made him miserable. Besides she had decided two years ago she wanted to be a mother regardless of a man in her life and had become quite familiar with the turkey baster beyond its use on Thanksgiving Day. After the fifth failed attempt she had finally given in and allowed the man who was now harassing her to help her out financially by having the procedure performed in a state of the art clinic. However, it made the ancient think he had a say in every decision in her life and hover over her like an overbearing father.

 

“Sookie, the babies needs a father figure in its life,” he started again.

 

“I turned out fine without one for most of my life,” she returned. “And Jason will do a fine job as uncle just like he does with his own kids.”

 

“The gene clearly skipped that one.”

 

Sookie rolled her eyes in annoyance as she set down the prepared plate of pasta in front of him that he demanded whenever he deigned it appropriate to ‘pop’ in on her.

 

“Can we just skip the running commentary tonight and get straight to the point?” Sookie asked.

 

“We Fae are promiscuous beings,” he explained between bites of his spaghetti. “It’s why traditionally the women held power. The assurance of the royal blood passing through them asserted their reign.”

 

“I’d really like to get to my bed soon Niall,” Sookie said with and incessant tap of her feet.

 

“At some point in our history it became too complex to continue to pass power with our long lifespan so we incited magic to bind us to an individual,” he continued to explain. “Like a marriage.”

 

“And this made you faithful?” she questioned sceptically.

 

“No, but it assured only between those two a child could be born. It’s why so many fairies are reproductively challenged now.”

 

“That’s real interesting Niall. Are you done?”

 

“You and the Northman exchanged blood correct?” Sookie nodded to information she had already told her great grandfather a long time ago. “You entered a winter realm of your own.”

 

“What does this have to do with each other great granddaddy? Just spit it out already.”

 

“The Northman is the father of the babies.”

 

With that revelation the glass of warm milk Sookie had been nursing splattered all over the Prince of the Fae’s face. “Excuse me?”

 

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Sookie was extremely tired but after Niall’s admissions there was no way that she would ever find anything but a fitful rest that night. She moved past the long line round the once familiar building of Fangtasia thankful to spot Pam at the door. Aside from the sneering look directed her way Pam was helpful enough to show her into Eric’s office.

 

“Hi,” Sookie said nervously to the vampire that she hadn’t seen or heard from in years.

 

“Sookie,” he returned with caution in his voice as he took in her swollen form. “You are with child?”

 

“Two actually. Fairies are not so good with the singular.”

 

“What can I do for you?” Eric asked still slightly mesmerised by her sudden appearance while indicating they take a seat on the sofa. He had thought of her often and had a vivid daydream a few months back but he had given her the space she required of him and continued his bored existence on without her. Always with a cautious eye to her safety in the background but he had given strict instructions not to be informed of her personal life. A small part of him had always hoped that she would suddenly reappear in his life like tonight and the truth of her life may have shattered that fantasy.

 

“Congratulationsthey’reyours!” Sookie blurted out.

 

“Come again?”

 

“Do you remember me coming to you in a nurse’s outfit?” she asked with cheeks flushed red with the embarrassment of it all. “I gave you a…”

 

“Sponge bath and a happy ending in a cup,” he finished with a smirk. “That really happened? I was sure it was a dream. You saucy minx.”

 

“Well it happened, but it wasn’t me. Itwasniall.”

 

“You’re going to have to repeat that last part slower,” Eric said coolly as he peeled away the mortified hands hiding her face.

 

“It wasn’t me. It was my great granddaddy Niall Brigant,” she explained with fear in her eyes. “He magicked himself to look like me after I finally allowed him help to get me pregnant but I swear I didn’t know Eric. I thought he was just fronting me the money for IUI. Apparently we’re fairy bound and you’re the only one able to father my children because royal fairies can’t keep it in their pants. I only found out tonight Eric, I’m so sorry but you deserved to know.”

 

“Violated by the prince of the fae… I’ve had worse,” Eric shrugged before it dawned on him what extraordinary magic had actually taken place. Confusion marred his otherwise beautiful face. “I’m going to be a father?”

 

“Yeah,” she admitted shyly. “We’ll work something out. Whatever you want.”

 

“Whatever I want?” he asked with far too much smugness than Sookie felt he should be afforded.

 

“With limitations,” she added quickly in her sternest voice.

 

“Tell me when I reach the limitations,” he offered in negotiation to which she gave a small nod of assent. “I want us to be in each other’s life again. Take you out to dinners. Spoil you with gifts,” he tested.

 

“No gifts.”

 

“Gifts for the babies?” Eric tried and with her silence he continued, “I want to be there every step of the way. The doctor’s appointments, the birth, bringing them home.” His eyes sparkled at the prospect with what was to come, what rare gifts resided inside her. Tentatively he reached out to the round of her stomach with her consent and felt the buzzing of life beneath. He moved his head close, listening to the cacophony of heartbeats and taking in their unique smell. Eric had thought her altered scent odd and familiar but now he recognised it, they were the aromas of that magical realm that they had ended up in after they had shared blood. “I want to bring them to our home,” he finally said looking up at her.

 

“Eric, I-”

 

“Without the day I only have half of their lives to enjoy Sookie,” he explained while cutting of her protests. “I don’t want to miss a single moment. We do not have to be lovers to live under the same roof. Unless that is something you would want.”

 

“Is that something you want?” she asked in deflection unwilling to lay her heart out to be trampled on.

 

“I didn’t think I would be the one needing to clarify that,” Eric grinned as his hand found hers. “I want… You. The question really is do you want me?”

 

With events weighing heavy on her Sookie never was able to give him an answer to that question the same night but had agreed to let him into her and the babies’ life. Her intended resistance lasted three nights before they found themselves satiated and tangled in bed. At first she blamed the pregnancy hormones but soon couldn’t deny the residual feelings of love that had never waned from her system.

 

Her home became their home within a fortnight and Eric doted on her every step of the way. Gifts for the babies soon became gifts for her. It was after the twins’ first birthday party that they had agreed on a code word spoken before sex when Niall suggested they get to making babies numbers three to six with a lewd gesture of an open fisted hand and the same saucy wink ‘Nurse Sookie’ had given Eric once. It didn’t take them long to settle on the word that would instantly betray the prince of the fae.

 

Spaghetti.

 

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#7

 

Pam was bored. She was pretty used to that and she hated to admit that since the gash in the sundress had disappeared from their lives that had become their new normal. They were ostentatiously rich but then they had been before that as well. As glad as Pam was to have her maker healthy and relatively alive she couldn’t deny that life was dull. Extremely dull.

 

After feeding Sarah her dinner and taking her out for a tinkle in the back alley she locked up the basement tight and secure. The familiar sounds of the club thundered away above her as she made her way upstairs. She had to blink several times as she took in the displays of True Blood all around her. Eric was known to joke around on her but it would never be something that could be detrimental to their business. That shit was financial toxic waste in this day and age. She eyed her maker on the throne and he was looking slightly less puffy. Odd.

 

“Fuck a zombie.” Pam’s eyes went wide with realisation as she saw the Estonian dancer writhing on a pole in front of her maker. “I’ve reverted back to fucking season three. Well at least things still made sense then…”

 

It didn’t take her long to convince her maker of her miraculous travels in time. The bond between them that had been stolen away from her was back again and the truth of her words couldn’t be denied. They plotted and schemed for most of the night and Pam was near ecstatic with the prospects. Their assassin Ruben was immediately set to task to take out Steve and Sarah Newlin. It was with great reluctance on Pam’s part, she’d miss combing the faux blonde’s hair and taking her out for walks on her pretty pink rhinestone leash and the warmth she would provide her feet at the end of her bed.

 

While Eric was ready to go and murder Talbot and Russell for the second time he thankfully listened to Pam’s wise words on how well that had turned out. So they went their separate ways, the Viking headed down to New Orleans to dispatch of their Queen with a careful toss of a sharpened wooden die during a game of Yahtzee after which he would contaminate her remains with a potent vial of HEP-V. Pam always carried a couple of spares of those and the antidote on her body, in case one of the clients exceeded their one minute limit with her little pet. A quick injection and the violators were right back to square one minus a hundred thou.

 

Pam found herself in Jackson, Mississippi, for some unfinished business of her own. Talbot was quite thankful for the Estonian dancer and her uniquely Baltic flavour. Well that’s what Pam had said that unusual tang was. HEP-V had a bit of a caraway seed and herring flavour after all. She was conveniently absent the night that delicacy was served to the distinguished guests that included Bill Compton and that delightful maker of his. No Pam had other things to do that evening as she held her nose while hovering in front of the stinky were’s apartment.

 

Sookie fucking Stackhouse was sniffling into her pillow over that stupid brooding vampire who had just broken up with her after cheating on her for the second time. Pam let out a heavy sigh for what she was about to do. She had promised her maker to try after all and she forgot how annoying Eric could be when the little fae was still denying access to that twinkle cave between her thighs. So she tapped incessantly on the thin sheet of glass sporting her most annoyed face.

 

“Pam?” Sookie said in shock as she opened up the window. “You can fly?”

 

“Well officially not until season six but the idiots in charge have never cared much for consistency either way,” Pam shrugged. “Invite me in.”

 

“Please come in Pam,” Sookie whispered as she moved to the side, wiping away the last of her tears on the sleeves of her shirt. “Who are the idiots in charge?”

 

“Trust me you don’t want to know them.”

 

“Ok,” she said wearily. “What can I do for you Pam?”

 

“It’s more of a matter of what I can do for you Fairy Princess,” Pam spoke with an uncharacteristic warmth. The female vampire ran her through the facts of what the telepath’s life would be like if she intended to continue on and rescue Bill. At first Sookie didn’t believe a word of it until Pam revealed intimate details of her past that Sookie had never shared with a soul except with an amnesiac version of Eric in the future. A small vial was placed in Sookie’s hands along with a blueprint of the King of Mississippi’s estate indicating the room where Bill Compton was held.  “This is the antidote to HEP-V. The choice is yours Sookie Stackhouse by noon tomorrow morning Compton will be goo unless you wish to slip him that vile.”

 

It wasn’t much effort for Pam to fly in and kill that motherfucker Franklin Mott before he could harm another hair on her Tara’s precious body. They cleaned off the blood stained sheets and Pam held her lost future progeny in her arms as tears of relief flooded from the girl’s system when it became clear that vampire Barbie had come to rescue her.

 

It didn’t surprise Pam at all to hear and scent Sookie Stackhouse entering the mansion moments after dawn. Or for her to make her way to where Bill rested. Pam carefully let go of a trembling Tara when a soft knock was heard on the door followed by Sookie’s unmistakeable voice.

 

“So you saved Bill,” Pam accused with judgemental brows when the empty vial was placed in her hands.

 

“No,” Sookie answered as she moved to hold her best friend’s quivering body in a comforting embrace. “I said my goodbyes after he admitted what he had done. You were right he wanted to die so I let him.”

 

“So who’d you use the antidote on?”

 

“Yvetta,” Sookie returned with a small shrug. “It’s no wonder I saved you and your maker’s asses so often in the future. You really thought they wouldn’t trace that back to you. Alcide’s waiting out back with a light tight truck. Are you ready to go?”

 

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Eric slipped out of the authority’s lair in the relative darkness of the early night ready to depart. The codes Pam had given him worked exactly as expected and with ease he had spiked the blood of Lilith with another potent helping of HEP-V. He had tried to reach out to Nora but she was unfortunately already lost to her fanaticism. He had given her a vial of the antidote where his only instructions had been to drink that when she was ready to follow Godric’s path again. It was all he could do for now.

 

He landed by the red awning of the club, it was a Monday night so the usually glowing red neon lights were turned off as he made his way through the main entrance. Eric scented her before he saw her sitting on his throne in one of his white dress shirts which she had fashioned into a dress. Atop her head sat his father’s crown, in the dim light of the room their eyes locked and with a mischievous grin two fingers beckoned him forward.

 

“Eric Northman,” she said with a poorly hidden smile.

 

“How do you know my name?”

 

Pam emerged beside her on the throne and pointed at her forehead “I never forget a pretty face. You’re in my vault.”

 

“Great. That’s just great,” Eric said with a wink to Pam before he addressed Sookie. “It’s nice to meet you.”

 

“Well, aren’t you sweet?”

 

“Not really,” he replied with a debilitating grin.

 

Sookie turned to Pam and muttered something to her in what was supposed to pass as Swedish.

 

“Mr Northman, I understand you’ve been asking questions about me.”

 

“Yes, I have,” he acknowledged.

 

“If you have anything to ask, you should ask it of me,” Sookie intoned.

 

“You recognize either one of these?” Eric enquired handing her over two pictures that lay around for approval of next year’s calendar.

 

“Hmm…” she pointed to the picture of Bill, “well, this one offered himself to me. But I found him too pathetic for my attentions. Now, this one, however…” she continued pointing at the other photograph which featured a scantily clad Eric. “I have tasted.”

 

“I remember ’em both,” Pam quipped in.

 

“On account of the vault?” Eric asked with a wide grin.

 

“Never had either of them, though. They weren’t really my type,” she winked back.

 

“Well…” Eric started as he grabbed the photos from her hand. “Thank you very much. That is all your time I need to take.”

 

“I’m not finished with you yet!” Sookie smiled. “Sit with us. We have catching up to do, you and I. It has been too long.”

 

Eric feigned a tiny look of panic as he glanced to the spot where an undercover cop once stood. “We have to get out of here. There’s about to be a raid.”

 

“What kind of raid?” Sookie feigned unimpressed.

 

“A Viking raid,” he said with excited eyes before speeding towards her and throwing Sookie’s cackling body over his shoulder as he reasserted his father’s crown as his own.

 

With a growl and a squeal the two enamoured blondes were launched into the night sky leaving behind a trail of destruction through the back hallways of Fangtasia and an amused Pam. She decided this was right, and this was best after all. A little excitement never hurt anybody. Well maybe some annoying vamps, but not them.

 

A bit of life returned to the female vampire’s eyes as she picked up Tara’s sleeping form from the office couch. “No human or vampire can hurt you any longer,” she whispered into her sleeping ears as she tenderly tucked away the small braids of her hair. “Now you and I have a standing date and it’s been a long time coming.”

 

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A/N: I am now also entertaining requests/prompts for these fixin’s. If they spark my imagination I’ll write it and credit you. So if you have something in mind or simply have an idea for the identity of the mystery man at the head of the table or something else leave it behind in the comment section below. Or simply rant about the final season… my associative brain picks up plenty of ideas from that alone 😀

 

Special thanks to msbuffy on #4 who always entertains and encourages my twisted humour in the comments section of which this story flowed from, she’s the one that relegated Bill to the toilets :D.

 

As you may or may not have seen in the sidebar I am now also on Facebook so I can keep up with the Fanfiction Minions postings. I only post the notifications of update links so if you prefer that over the blog notifications you can now find me there also.

 

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34 thoughts on “Thanksgiving Fixin’s 4-7

  1. BBBBBWWWWAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Too fucking funny! I can’t believe all that came from our silliness of one afternoon! I’m laughing so hard I can’t talk…and coughing like the old smoker I swore I’d never be….
    “What’s going to happen on the show?” “Who the fuck cares?” LMAO!! As Pam, Princess of Snark, plays with her dolls. OMG! I love those dolls. Thank you so much for finding and sharing them! They are just too funny! I have no idea when I’ll ever find another show with so much comic ammunition as True Blood again, but I’m certain I’ll be laughing over this one for a LONG time!!

    Thank you for all the laughter and your beautiful imagination!

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    1. Well thanks for allowing my silliness to run rampant and look no drinks necessary ;). The comments sections are a great point of inspiration for these fixin’s and you’re right it’s going to be a while for a show to come along again that provides this type of inspiration so I guess we get to be ‘thankful’ for that…

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      1. Yeah. Can’t be ingrates. OOPS! That’s what I call my kids. Have to think of something else. There must be some gratitude shown toward someone; we have these wonderful characters with whom we can amuse ourselves for hours on end! I guess CH will get my gratitude after all; she certainly got enough of my money.

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        1. Well I did consider putting up a post of what I was thankful for TB when everyone else was down and dumping on the finale but I came up with fixin’s instead and they seem to do the job better. There was plenty good about it unfortunately it just got overshadowed by laziness or a different interpretation of the original material. I was never that impressed by the books but CH did create a damn rich soil for others to grow from so I guess we got our money’s worth with her, thankfully I never bought the books at full price 😀

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  2. Loving these fixings they are so funny!! The good thing about shitty endings is that many FF writers start writing their stories to fix the wrong…yours is certainly the most entertaining! Please continue…Take care

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    1. Well the best thing is that they left it so open you can pretty much do anything with it… and seriously it’s such a relief to write these things knowing there’s no Bill hiding lurking in the trees… That was my whole conclusion after watching the finale: Bill dead = everyone can have a relatively normal and sane existence. We all called Sookie the trouble magnet but according to that finale it was Bill all along… luckily my Sookie in It’s Already Gone came to that conclusion a lot sooner and found her Eric with ease 😉

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  3. More fixins! Yay!!!! Compton on toilet duty (without cleaning products)… oh yes…
    I can totally see Pam orchestrating those political shenanigans… Loved Eric’s outrage…

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    1. Thanks for reminding I just posted the last one but forgot to add it here so in case you missed it #6 is up too. You can thank msbuffy for relegating Bill to the bathroom she didn’t trust him with the Starbucks run…

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      1. OMG loved Niall dressing up as Nurse Sookie (I like to imagine him with a wig and his old hairy legs) to do the nasty deed to Eric in his sleep… Since the twins are such a lovely bit of news one has to forgive Niall’s meddling and invasive techniques… Honestly this fixins are awesome and I think this last one deserves a title… yep ‘spaghetti…”

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        1. Yes and some white stockings over those hairy legs please 😀 … and definitely some smeared lipstick over a bit of facial hair! Poor Eric… but this is what you get for asking a meddling fairy for help and it all seemed to work out in the end… My only issue is I can’t look at a plate of spaghetti anymore without cracking up…

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  4. So Bob is the bearded man next to Sookie?! The same Bob who Amelia turned into a cat? Awesome!..Naill tricked Eric and Sookie and now they are expecting twins…that’s great! I agree with redjane12 I would love to see Bill clean the toilet without cleaning products! Till the next fixin’

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    1. Bill is definitely giving that ass kissing tongue of his a good workout in the bathrooms… it seems the perfect punishment for the asshole who claims to no longer be one 😉

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  5. OMG, those are hilarious! Niall disguised as Sookie for that little cup of Viking swimmers! LOL! Pam becoming the Govenor? Scary, scary stuff, but effing funny as hell. And then she goes back and changes the past, righting all of AB’s wrongs! I love it!!!! Of course, I’ll never make spaghetti again without thinking of Niall…

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    1. I too suffer with no longer being able to look at a plate of pasta without thinking of the delightful fairy prince… all in the name of a good laugh right? Unfortunately I probably make at least one pasta dish a week and I couldn’t stop snickering all though dinner this week as I remembered Niall’s hijinks which really isn’t conducive to actual eating…

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      1. I’m sure it isn’t! I typically make a huge amount of homemade sauce at least once a month (can’t make it in small portions!), and then pass it out to the ingrates & freeze some for us. I’ll be doing that this week, prepping for my surgery Friday so my hubby won’t have to work to feed himself while I recuperate.

        True story – As we watched the scar form from my first surgery, we noticed it took on a form that’s somewhat comical, maybe a little embarrassing, but as it’s going to change, I’ll mention it now because it really is great fodder for comedy. It’s phallic in appearance, completely! When I first noticed this, I asked my husband what it looked like, and damn! He said the same as did my mom & one daughter. So until Friday, I’m walking around sporting “The Gracious Plenty” on my forearm!! LMAO!! With my luck, it’ll be even larger and cut into my tattoo where it’s very close to already. I told my hubs if that happened, I’d just have the tattoo redone to say something else…

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        1. LOL! Well at least you have a good sense of humour about it otherwise I’d have to send you over a shit load of pixels to cover that up. I’m always laughing my ass of when I read fanfics where the GP enlarges to such giant proportions that it’s the size of a good forearm and now you seem to be the one in possession of it… you’ve found the holy grail 😉 If it does stay I think a tattoo in homage to the GP is probably the best way to go…

          Good luck with the surgery Friday hope you get to boss the hubby and ingrates around a bit seeing that you’re kind enough to see to all their needs ahead of time…

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          1. ROTFLMAO!!!! “The Holy Grail” Those are the exact same words I used with a friend of mine when we were laughing about it!!! LOL! I have to have a good sense of humor about it – I could be stuck with it for the rest of my life! Might as well laugh! It’s much healthier than whining!

            It is funny when the GP reaches mythic proportions sometimes in the FF stories. I swear one these days I’m just going to have to write my first story, and it will be complete satire & sarcasm. Eric will approach Sookie with the GP & she’ll run away, terrorized by the sight and thought of that thing going inside her… Of course he catches her and the next night he’s calling her “Cowgirl” for a completely different reason than the one time she called him “Cowboy.” Or you can take it and write since I won’t be typing much in the near future!

            Thanks for the good luck wishes. My hubby will be wonderful as always. The ingrates? Bah, I might hear from one. Fortunately they’re all grown & gone. My grandkids like it, and the single ingrate works too much to cook.

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            1. I’d ask my mother if she was still around about the mythical proportions of the GP, she was quite the expert on penis envy and Freud. She accused me of it often enough when I took my older brother down a notch or two when we were kids…

              I love your idea of the meaty schlong of terror and the cowgirl, if I could work it into a Thanksgiving Fixin’ I would but you should give it a shot we need more satire and sarcasm in this fandom, the romance and supernatural is all good but I really need to start making a return on my investments in Depends, I’m making a killing on Kleenex on the other hand…

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              1. Go ahead & take it! It would fit in quite well with The Fixin’s! I might be able to come up with an idea or two, but I’m not a writer. That’s why I’m an editor! “Those who can’t…”

                I hated all that Freud crap in my Psych classes! Some of his theories… I think he needed MORE opium!

                Have you read any of the Queen of Area Five’s “Behind the Public Masks?” Hilarious!! I need to buy some Depends just for when I’m editing! So, so funny! She’s got some fun stuff she’s writing these days! You aren’t the only one making a killing on Kleenex! I could kick myself for not investing in that consumable!

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                1. I’m writing regularly and I still don’t consider myself a writer so the title really doesn’t mean much to me. If I see what’s being sold as ‘novels’ or ‘literature’ in bulk that title isn’t so holy anymore… it’s all in the entertainment value… and well your idea sounds highly entertaining it already had my mind spinning that when it comes to the actual deed, Eric passes out from all the blood that rushes down there!

                  I haven’t gotten round to reading BtPM yet I was kind of waiting for it to be complete but then I read there was going to be more so now I’m waiting for that to be complete although I wasn’t really paying proper attention to the update announcements so I could be wrong… yeah I’ve become weirdly selective in my reading habits but I’ve been burned by too many stories that are on hiatus for forever, although Queen of Area Five is one of the few who is pretty good with regular updates.

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                  1. LMAO!! Seriously, don’t you think he’d need to feed on a rather large donor before hand? I’d have to run the other way if I saw that coming at me! YIKES! No way! Ouch!

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                    1. He’d need a fricking IV to sustain that with his legendary stamina… I’ll see what I can come up with, maybe Niall was sprinkling some fairy dust around in lieu of parmesan with disastrous results…

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                    2. Maybe the parmesan IS the fairy dust!!! That legendary stamina… Hmm…I’ll have to think on where that comes from. Viagra for vampires… Feeding from donors on Viagra!!!

                      Liked by 1 person

  6. Fixin #7 is hilarious! Great use of the HepV thingy for Pam to fix shit from the idiots in charge from season 3 onwards…. Excellent!!! The role inversion on the final scene was adorably dorky…

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    1. I know I almost didn’t let this one go with the thought that I could have built this out to a much larger story but the end would have been the same… but I was rather proud of the HepV use… I was like ‘hey I can totally do full circle too BB except I don’t have to be bored to tears…’

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    1. I’m afraid I can’t answer that… I have an associative thought pattern but creativity is a difficult thing to define. I’d credit my mother for some of it as she never stifled it and encouraged it to run rampant but aside from that I have no clue… Glad to hear you’re liking these though 🙂

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  7. I read #4 and thought that was my favourite, but then I read #5 and couldn’t stop laughing. Pam with her own glamour squad made me think of a vampire version of Charlie’s Angels with Pam in charge.
    I wholly support her outlawing of crocs. I wish someone would bring that in here (Australia). Pam would seriously struggle here with wife beaters (Aussie slang for singlets) and stubby shorts (really short shorts worn by men) and thongs (in Australia thongs aren’t underwear they are footwear -flip-flops I guess, not sure what the rest of the world calls them). Not to mention how behind we always are with fashion lines. Honestly Eric should send her here as a punishment for something or other.
    And then #6 with Niall acting the role of Sookie in disguise – too perfect. The writers of TB just had no imagination – there was so much they could’ve done with fairies and magic and they just didn’t go there.
    And I have to say it again – I love your Pams. She adds so much to the whole dynamic of E & S.
    All I can say is your thanksgiving fixin’s are pure genius and completely hilarious. Thank you.

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    1. If Pam ever gets her act together and a decent SPF to save her from that Australian sun it’ll be her first stop by the sounds of it. And yes, DEATH TO CROCS!

      Heh well this series evolved from my rather un-nuanced opinion that I could come up with better endings on a nearly daily basis than the yawn fest that was the finale, so yeah I don’t like to piss on other writers but in this case a lack of imagination is not an unfair assessment.

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